First, I am celebrating 6 years in remission from cancer! March 11, 2019 I started my first chemo treatment and it’s hard to believe it’s been six years since then, it seems like ages ago…
Also, I posted a new blog this past Friday about the election (yes I know it’s very late, sorry). WordPress is telling me that not many people have seen it so I’m making this new post basically as clickbait so you’ll read my post from Friday. It’s a good post, mainly about Donald Trump; an examination and discussion of his character (or lack thereof). Please go read it!
Happy π day! Our country is just under eight weeks into the second Trump presidency, and boy what a fun ride it’s been! As much as I’d love to dive deep into the many horrible actions of the Trump administration these past few weeks, what I’d really like to discuss today is – how exactly did we get here?
Before jumping into my main question and concern in this post, I first need to make an admission: I am a self proclaimed progressive/leftist/liberal, whatever your preferred terminology. Like the majority of folks who grew up in suburban or small town Midwest, I was raised in a conservative family. And yet, I have never been a political conservative nor have I ever identified as one.
My political ideology started forming during high school around junior year. A combination of reading the Grapes of Wrath along with the lyrics to various songs from renowned Christian ska band Five Iron Frenzy’s first album Upbeats and Beatdowns had an outsized impact on my politics and view of the world. I like to tell a funny story about how one afternoon in high school I was at home alone blasting Nirvana’s In Utero album on the stereo when my mom arrived home to discover Kurt Cobain’s loud, angry screaming and was aghast at what she heard! I was thus forced to say goodbye to my beloved Nirvana CDs, and off I went to the Christian bookstore to find some acceptable Christian music with more uplifting Godly lyrics. It was there that I discovered Five Iron Frenzy, and upon my first listen to their debut album, I was immediately radicalized into a staunch leftist! So clearly, if I hadn’t been forced to listen to Christian music as a high schooler, I might have grown up to be a conservative!1 Anyways, the point is that I obviously have biases, and I think it’s important to acknowledge my biases right away: I am personally biased towards the policy positions of the Democratic Party.
And to be clear, I didn’t write this blog post to debate Trump’s or Harris’ policy positions, I wrote it to have a conversation about values, and which values matter most when voting for President of the United States. I know that some of you likely agree with Trump’s politics and positions on topics such as the economy or government spending. You might like Trump‘s aggressive stance on immigration, have a concern about abortion, maybe you’re fed up with the inflation during the Biden administration, or you might just want a change in leadership because you felt the Biden administration wasn’t looking out for your needs.2 All those reasons on the surface are valid political stances, even if I personally don’t agree with any of them.
So, for my friends and family who voted for Trump, my question is, in your opinion, what makes Donald Trump qualified to be president despite his amoral character and long history of harming and taking advantage of others? Why did you vote for a man that is by any objective measure a terrible person? How are you able to overlook, brush aside, or feign ignorance to his countless misdeeds?
Donald Trump’s flaws are many, and they are all well documented and public knowledge. What exactly has he done that disqualifies him from holding the highest office in the land? Below is a short (but by no means comprehensive) list of some of Donald Trump’s worst actions that I compiled with a few quick google searches:
Attempted to overturn the results of the free and fair 2020 election and then attempted to incite an insurrection.
Was found guilty of 34 felony counts of falsifying business records to influence the outcome of the 2016 presidential election. Trump concealed a $130,000 hush money payment from his presidential campaign to adult film star Stormy Daniels so she would keep quiet about the fact that he slept with her while married to Melania.
Coming Full Circle on π day, or Section 3 of the 14th Amendment
No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice-President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof.
Clearly, per the 14th amendment, item 1 on the above list (attempting to overturn the 2020 election and inciting an insurrection) disqualifies Trump from holding office, but the fact that he is also a serial sexual predator further disqualifies him from being president.
Back to the 90’s
Here’s where things get really tough for me. I haven’t forgotten the 90’s. I vividly remember when the scandal between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky broke. The adults in my life, both in my family and at church (all conservatives), were outraged, and understandably so. The president of the United States had committed infidelity and then he LIED ABOUT IT! Things like “character counts” and “the leader of the free world should be a person of integrity” were thrown around often. Bill Clinton was a liar and a cheater – everyone in church and my family agreed he was unfit to lead our country and must be impeached.3
Now let’s take the same standard conservatives used in the 1990s towards Bill Clinton – namely that character does actually count – and apply it to Donald Trump. The list above makes clear that he is a man of very little character to no character. Donald Trump is a serial abuser, fraudster, and traitor to our nation. And by traitor, I mean he has literally betrayed his obligation and allegiance to the constitution and our country as made clear above.
It is deeply saddening for me to know that folks in my life, many of them Christians, have chosen to vote for Trump and just brush these things aside. It’s especially tough remembering that same standard applied to Bill Clinton no longer applies to Trump.
It’s also been very hard to watch the church I was raised in turn towards Trump. In her book “Jesus and John Wayne“, Christian historian and professor Kristen Kobez Du Mez writes:
“In 2016, many observers were stunned at evangelicals’ apparent betrayal of their own values. In reality, evangelicals did not cast their vote [for Trump, at the rate of 81%] despite their beliefs, but because of them.”
Count me as one of those folks who was shocked by evangelicals support for Trump in 2016. But I was even more surprised in 2024, when evangelicals overwhelmingly voted for Trump AGAIN! In a recent essay “Jesus and John Wayne Revisited,” scholar and Baylor historian Andrea Turpin writes:
“In 2024, Trump was still not running against Hillary Clinton and Roe vs. Wade had been overturned and the Republican Party had removed the pro-life plank from its platform. And yet, once again, 81% of white evangelicals voted for Trump.”
Let’s Talk – For Real!
If you are one of the folks in my life who voted for Trump and made it this far in my post, I truly thank you for reading. I realize that much of what I said here might make you feel uncomfortable. But please know that I have struggled with whether I should even make this post and have agonized over these words for weeks4 trying to make sense of how I feel about all this. Ultimately, I decided this is the healthiest way forward for me to express my feelings without getting into tough conversations or arguments that could cause lasting damage to my valued relationships.
So I’ll state my conclusion again: Donald Trump is unfit for office (see above). It hurts me deeply knowing that folks in my life I love voted for him.
If you did vote for Trump, and would like to share why, I really do want to hear from you! Send me an email, text me, or use the contact form on this site. One caveat though – like I said at the beginning of this post, I don’t want to have policy debates. We can agree to disagree on taxes, DOGE, immigration, etc. What I’m trying to understand is specifically why all the terrible things I listed above that Trump has done don’t matter in regards to voting for him for president, the most powerful position in our country.
Because for me, when choosing who to vote for, I still believe that character counts.
Footnotes
I’m joking, I probably wouldn’t have ended up a conservative, but we’ll never actually know. ↩︎
I want to make clear that I’m also not arguing that people had a binary choice and had to choose either Trump or Harris, because that’s a false dichotomy. I have conservative friends who hold traditional conservative beliefs like lower taxes, smaller government, etc., and who are so appalled by Trump as a person that they could not vote for him, but also did not vote for Harris. ↩︎
As we have later learned, Bill Clinton’s misdeeds were not limited to Monica Lewinsky as he has since been accused of sexual misconduct by many other women. You won’t catch me defending Bill Clinton! ↩︎
WordPress tells me I have 24 revisions to this post, I really have been laboring over this essay! ↩︎
Hey everybody, it’s been awhile! In fact it’s been exactly 6 months to the day since my last chemo infusion. Time for a few quick updates.
My cancer is still in remission! I’ve had two CT scans so far (one in May and one in August), and a blood test two weeks ago and things are looking good. I have my next CT scan the beginning of January. This is the new normal for me, periodic monitoring to make sure the cancer isn’t coming back. The blood tests/CT scans still cause some anxiety, but I think I’m getting better at dealing with the anxiety.
I’m doing Movember, but not quite in the traditional sense. I shaved off my recently re-acquired and beloved beard, and am re-growing the beard for the month of November. We have a family photo shoot November 24th, then I’m shaving the beard to a mustache. I didn’t want a mustache in the family photos (sorry Dad, I know it was cool in the 90’s). If you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years, Movember is a movement/organization/event that aims to bring awareness to and raise money for men’s health with a goal of “tackling Prostate Cancer, Testicular Cancer, Mental Health AND Suicide Prevention.” It’s not too late to grow a mustache dudes!
Look at this dude: 6-months in remission and all clean shaven!
I also recently started rock climbing. I joined a local climbing gym, Mesa Rim, with my friends Keegan, Nancy, and Alex. I am not very good and at times it is super frustrating, but I LOVE IT. Like seriously love it a lot. I love it so much I’ve been going 3 times a week, and twice a week I wake up at 5:30 in the morning to hit the climbing gym at 6am with Alex and Keegan!
My first day climbing. Ignore the terrible form, I didn’t know how to use my feet!
I have big goals for this climbing hobby, and those goals include someday climbing in Yosemite.
Six years ago my friend Chris Reynolds and I went backpacking in Yosemite. We backpacked the High Sierra loop near Tuolumne Meadows, and it was wonderful. Near the end we camped at Cathedral Lake, which is at the base of the famous Cathedral Peak that John Muir first climbed in 1869. It’s a stunning place (see below). Our last full day of backpacking was pretty chill and I attempted to summit Cathedral Peak solo, but failed. It’s a fairly intense, dangerous class 4+ hike/climb and I’m glad I turned around.
Cathedral Peak from the shores of Upper Cathedral Lake
The next day hiking out from Cathedral Lake, we passed two female rock climbers with their full racks of climbing gear headed to climb Cathedral Peak. I was jealous, and realized I was woefully under-skilled and not at all prepared or equipped to climb Cathedral Peak. Since that failed summit attempt and seeing those two female climbers I’ve wanted to start rock climbing but have never gotten into it. Thanks to my friends and my company who pays for my gym membership, I am now training with the ultimate goal of doing a number of famous climbs in Yosemite! Cathedral Peak is the near term (probably about 2 years out), but there are more famous difficult climbs I would eventually like to try.
Lisa and Elliot are both doing well, and the little dude is starting to talk a lot! We had a great quick family vacation to Palm Springs a few weeks ago. It was our first “real” vacation of the year, since 9 weeks away from work for chemo doesn’t really count as vacation, ha!
That’s what’s been happening lately. I’d love to hear from you so feel free to text, call, comment, or email if you’d like to say hey!
Ugh. It’s been a long, tough week. Last Monday (one week ago) I started cycle 3, and it’s been a physically and emotionally challenging week, to say the least. This cycle really brought me to my knees – it has definitely been harder than the first two cycles. I mean I knew it was going to be hard but I didn’t realize this past week would be the hardest one yet. That’s the main reason I haven’t posted in a while, I just haven’t had the energy. But today I finally feel like I’m starting to turn a corner! I feel maybe 75% myself, but not quite at 100% normal. Hopefully in the next couple days that will happen.
Ready to HAMMER DOWN cycle 3!
I’ll start with the good: Saturday before cycle 3 started Lisa’s mom, Jevne, arrived to help! She was a key reason we made it through the week and has been amazing. Jevne even watched Elliot for us on Saturday night (her first night here!) so Lisa and I could have a date night! We had a nice dinner at one of our favorite restaurants in North Park, The Smoking Goat. Then Jevne watched Elliot during the day throughout the week so Lisa could take me to my all day infusion appointments. Clutch.
Easter Sunday we had a few friends over for dinner to celebrate. It was nice to have a normal gathering with friends before cycle 3 started, but I was still dreading the treatment that was going to start on Monday. I made the best of our time and enjoyed the food, but I’ll admit my mind was burdened with the weight of the week to come. I’m thankful for understanding friends who are willing to walk alongside me during this time.
A few other highlights of the week:
Monday night, our friend Philip and his mom Margie bought groceries and cooked dinner for us!
Our friend Nicole brought us a delicious dinner on Tuesday night even though her husband Joe, was away on a work trip all week.
My friend Jon took the day off work and drove all the way from Escondido to North Park and back to take me to infusion on Thursday so that Lisa, Elliot, and Jevne could have a fun half day at SeaWorld! Jon basically sat in traffic for me all day on Thursday, and I am so thankful for his help!
Our friend Kristen brought us our absolute favorite Thai food on Friday night!
Our friends Graden and Elle came over and cooked us dinner on Saturday night!
Our friend Olivia brought fantastic, deconstructed sweet potato tacos over for dinner Sunday night!
Several people from our North Park community group showed up for us in ways that we seriously can’t even wrap our heads around this week. You know who you are and you are incredible!
Our friend Adam Bartels happens to know Tyler Trent’s parents, so he shared my Purdue blog post with them and they graciously sent me a copy of Tyler’s new book! I started reading it at the beginning of last week when I still had energy and love it so far!
Tyler Trent’s new book. So far so good, this book has been a big encouragement to me!
There’s a lot to be thankful for here. The support we have been shown recently has been astounding and we couldn’t have made it this far without all your help.
Now onto some of the bad for the week. The veins in my arms are completely jacked up by the chemo drugs. The chemo has bruised the main veins on my inner forearms (yes veins do bruise and yes they hurt) and made it impossible for the nurses to start a new IV on any of those veins. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I HATE GETTING THE IV. It’s the worst part of each visit. I’m so stressed that the nurse won’t get it right and they will have to make multiple attempts to get a good IV (which has happened before). Thankfully, I had an amazing nurse that found an invisible vein on the top of my arm and started a good IV on Monday. I saved that IV for Tuesday (kept it overnight, which also sucks pretty bad but only slightly less than getting a new IV) and then got a new IV on Wednesday. The same nurse as Monday found the same invisible vein on the top of my right arm (previously it was the left arm) and successfully started my IV! Yeah that was a real stressor for me, but glad I made it through the week okay with the IVs. My arms look terrible now, but the worst is over.
Finally, I have just been super drained of energy this cycle. I feel like the chemo hit me harder this time. I’ve been zapped of energy and it really takes a toll on me both physically and emotionally. By Wednesday I’m basically reduced to a vegetable. All I can do is just sit around and space out. Everything takes an enormous amount of energy, even thinking, reading, and eating. As someone who spends a lot of time inside my head, you can imagine how horrible this is for me. To not even be able to think straight or read is very taxing and makes me really sad. So I just sit, and sit, and sit, and sit, …
Until finally I wake up with a bit more energy like today. Thankfully.
This week has been hard on our entire family. Lisa has had a lot of work to take care of with two busy projects going on, all while juggling Elliot duties and my daily infusion visits. There’s also the emotional component she’s been dealing with of seeing me sad and without energy and not being able to do anything about it which I know isn’t easy. She has been INCREDIBLE and is my ROCK!
BABY STEPS. I can make it through today. Tomorrow I’ll be a little better, and a bit better the day after that. Baby steps. Less than two weeks to go with cycle 3!
hail, hail to old purdue! all hail to our old gold and black! hail, hail to old purdue! our friendship may she never lack. ever grateful, ever true, thus we raise our song anew of the days we’ve spent with you, all hail our own purdue!
James R. Morrison, “Hail Purdue”
I think everyone reading this blog already knows how much I love Purdue. The four and half years I spent in West Lafayette at Purdue have had a profound impact on my life. So many good and amazing things in my life originated at Purdue:
It’s where I met my amazing better half, Lisa
I got my Bachelor of Science in Electrical Engineering that has thus far led to a successful career in wireless communications (see my only patent here, ha)
Through the community at Purdue Christian Campus House and Joshua House – the men’s co-op house where I lived for three years – I formed amazing friendships that I hope will last a lifetime
I’m writing a post specifically about Purdue because it’s uncanny just how many connections there are with Purdue and cancer for me right now.
It started in October of 2018, we were hanging out in LA for the weekend to celebrate our friend Chris Reynolds’ birthday at an AirBnB in Redondo Beach. I happened to turn on the Purdue Ohio State football game and learned about this Purdue student with bone cancer named Tyler Trent. Turns out Tyler Trent is the biggest proudest Purdue fan EVER and he made a bold prediction that the unranked Purdue football team would beat the top ranked Ohio State football team. Well friends, we all know what happened next, Tyler’s bold prediction came true and PURDUE SMOKED OHIO STATE!!! The news media heard about his prediction and stories popped up all over the internet talking about this kid and his amazing prediction that came true. Drew Brees even tweeted at Tyler:
Your school loves you too, @theTylerTrent We all feel your strength and are inspired by your will. You are special, and you make us all better. We are with you. Boilermaker4Life
Apparently, if I have my facts correct, Tyler Trent was the FIRST person to camp out overnight at Ross-Ade Stadium to secure seats for a Purdue football game. Also, he apparently did this on a day where he HAD A CHEMOTHERAPY INFUSION! I can’t imagine camping out in the middle of a parking lot after chemo, I want my own bed please!
So anyways, Tyler Trent gains noteriety for his bold proclimation and the rest is history… until he passed away on January first of this year. Days before he died Tyler attended Purdue’s bowl game, the Music City Bowl, where he was named the honorary captain and received a standing ovation from the entire crowd.
From what I’ve read, even until the very end Tyler was very positive and was a light to all those around him. It’s incredible to me that he was able to maintain such hope, and I know a big part of that was his faith in Christ. Here’s what Purdue head football coach Jeff Brohm had to say about Tyler:
“Tyler made an impact on us, the community, the entire school and now the entire nation. His strength has helped us overcome things along the way; to see how he’s handled himself with class, with dignity, with a great attitude, a great smile. We learned a lot from him. He got us to this point. He helped us win some games with the encouragement he provides and the love that he has for our team and university.”
The second uncanny connection about Tyler: his family currently attends, and he grew up attending College Park Church in Indianapolis. This is the church Lisa grew up in, and where her mom, Jevne, still works! College Park Church hosted Tyler’s funeral, where members of the football team including QB David Blough got up to speak about the impact Tyler had on their life. I livestreamed the funeral on my phone. This was before I knew I had cancer.
Once I was diagnosed with cancer, I felt an immediate admiration, deep connection, and thankfulness for Tyler and the life he lived. I admire his courage to be in the face of death. I admire his will to fight to the end. I admire his positive attitude even in the bleakest of moments. I admire his strength to continue to support Purdue as the best Purdue fan EVER while his body was failing him.
Tyler set a high bar for how to live life while fighting cancer. Many days I don’t feel like I live up to the bar he set, but I know that’s ok. I didn’t get to see his hard days, but I know he had them, we all do. Not everyone sees my hard days (except for Lisa!), so I just need to extend myself some grace when I’m going through a hard period. As Lisa said, the end of the full week of chemo is the hardest and I’ve been pretty wiped out since Wednesday/Thursday of last week. I’m on the mend now, and should just continue to improve this week.
Third uncanny connection with Purdue: the first Purdue basketball game after my surgery in February was Purdue’s HAMMER DOWN CANCER game! All the players wore special hammer down cancer jerseys to bring awareness to Purdue’s research in finding a cure for cancer and also the Tyler Trent Cancer Research endowment. Purdue doesn’t treat cancer patients, (you have to go to IU for that as I discussed in my last post) but does do cutting edge lab research on cancer cures. Anyways, we had a group of friends over for the Purdue Hammer Down Cancer basketball game and had a great time eating food and watching Purdue beat Nebrasksa.
On that note, it’s been a fun time watching this Purdue basketball team come back from a middling season to make it all the way to the ELITE EIGHT! It was tough to lose to Virginia, but I really loved watching this team play. It was even more fun to be able to watch Purdue play in the NCAA tournament while my brother Paul (also a Purdue grad) was here! I loved the fight of this team – they never gave up and kept pressing till the end, just like Tyler Trent. Another inspiration for me.
BOILER UP!!! – Thanks Allison and Clint for the Purdue swag!
Lastly, I’d like to give a shout out to all the Purdue peeps who have reached out in the recent weeks to support us! I love you all and am so thankful for your support. We have a great community here in San Diego, but I love getting care packages, texts, and phone calls from old friends checking to see how I’m doing. Please, keep them coming!
That’s all for now. I’ll end this post in the most appropriate way:
Day 1 of cycle 2 is complete, and I’m feeling good! I know that the chemo is going to hit me harder this week since I go in every day Monday through Friday. By tomorrow night I will probably be napping in my ugly ass amazing recliner!
So sexy it hurts
I wanted to fill you in on my chemotherapy regimen and give you a little bit more info and what my treatment is like. My oncologist prescribed three cycles of BEP chemo, where each cycle is three weeks, or 21 days. BEP is short for Bleomycin, Etoposide, and platinum, or as it is commonly referred to now, Cisplatin. These three drugs in combination are HIGHLY EFFECTIVE at curing testicular cancer. BEP chemo in combination with the surgery I might need afterwards has a 95% CURE RATE. That’s the highest cure rate of any type of cancer. Pro tip: if you have to get cancer, choose testicular cancer, it’s the best. Sorry ladies!
Three chemo drugs in total on a 21 day cycle. The infusion schedule based on the day of the cycle for these drugs is as follows:
Days 1 through 5: Cisplatin and Etopiside (Monday through Friday every day during the first week of my cycle)
Days 2, 9, and 16: Bleomycin. On day 2 Bleomycin is an additional infusion along with the Cisplatin and Etopiside.
I just completed the first cycle yesterday, Sunday March 31st, and today, April 1st, I started cycle two. Today was cycle 2, day 1 so it was only Cisplatin and Etopiside and the side effects haven’t quite kicked in yet, hence why I feel so good.
So how do these chemo drugs kill cancer you might ask? Great question!
Basically, Cisplatin – a chemical composed of platinum, ammonia, and chlorine – is the heavy hitter in my treatment. Cisplatin works by interfering with DNA replication, which effectively kills any and all fast growing cells in your body. Obviously that includes cancer cells, since they grow fast, but also includes things like hair, white blood cells, stomach lining, the outer layer of skin, and taste buds. Hence, many of the worst side effects of this drug. Also, Cisplatin has the potential to damage the kidney.
Fun fact about Cisplatin: the use of this drug to treat testicular cancer was pioneered in the early 1970’s by Dr. Lawrence Einhorn, a researcher at INDIANA UNIVERSITY!!! BOO, IU SUCKS! Note for those who didn’t know me in my Purdue days: Purdue and IU are bitter rivals and generally dislike or hate each other. Purdue hates IU so much they chant “IU SUCKS!” at home football games, regardless of the opponent. This past season though, for Tyler Trent, they changed the chant to “CANCER SUCKS!” I like to think they were chanting for me even though I didn’t know I had cancer yet, haha.
Before Dr. Einhorn started using Cisplatin to treat testicular cancer, the overall survival rate was only 5%!!! An article on the IU website summarizes his groundbreaking achievements and contributions to cancer research:
” Dr. Einhorn minimized the extremely toxic side effects of treatment; shortened the duration of two years of therapy to nine to 12 weeks; and established a model for a curable tumor, which has served as a research roadmap for generations of oncologists.”
Anyways, Dr. Einhorn was the dude that discovered that Cisplatin works really well when treating testicular cancer and I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL for his discovery despite the fact that he is (still) at IU. That means 50 years ago this cancer would have probably ended up killing me. Thanks IU! Just so you know, I will probably still chant “IU SUCKS!” when Purdue plays them but I will try to be nicer now.
Ok, moving on. The second drug, Etoposide – a partially synthetic drug made from the mandrake tree rhizome – is more complicated, but basically screws with the DNA sequencing of cancer cells. I’ll just quote wikepedia because it summarizes how Etoposide works better than I could:
“Etoposide forms a ternary complex with DNA and the topoisomerase II enzyme (which aids in DNA unwinding), prevents re-ligation of the DNA strands, and by doing so causes DNA strands to break.[8]Cancer cells rely on this enzyme more than healthy cells, since they divide more rapidly. Therefore, this causes errors in DNA synthesis and promotes apoptosis of the cancer cell.”
Yeah, more cool science bro, it’s saving my life here.
Finally, the third drug, Bleomycin, is some really crazy stuff. It’s a “nonribosomal peptide,” which is essentially a chain of amino acids that are produced by bacteria and fungi. Researchers don’t fully know how this drug works, but it basically causes cancer cells to split, then the Cisplatin and Etoposide attack and kills these cells. I’m not gonna quote wikipedia here because the article is too intense. You can read it if you’re interested though.
The side effects of Bleomycin are different than the last two drugs. Bleomycin is the drug that gave me a fever during week 2 and sent me to the ER. It also causes scar tissue to form in the lungs that might make breathing difficult and potentially cuase long term lung damage. The Oncologist is closely monitoring my lungs to hopefully make sure this doesn’t happen. So far I havent’ had any issues with my lungs from the Bleomycin. I read tonight that Bleomycin causes a long term increase in toxicity to Oxygen, so I will need to tell that to any doctor if have surgery and need general anesthesia. It also means I probably shouldn’t ever scuba dive again. Bit of a bummer but I’m not a huge scuba diver.
That’s the summary of my chemo drugs and how they work. All of these drugs are given intravenously, which means I have to get an IV every day I have an infusion, or try to keep the IV from the previous day (or days) overnight. I HATE getting the IV. It’s probably the worst part for me. One nurse had to poke me three times on the third day of cycle one and then my arm was all bruised up. Ugh. But keeping the IV overnight presents a different challenge: I can’t get it wet, so showering is problematic. I ended buying some arm cast bags today on amazon so I can try and shower and keep my IV dry.
The benefit of the IV though, is that they give you the chemo drug slowly over the course of an hour so it doesn’t all immediately hit your bloodstream. If taken orally, the 45mg of Cisplatin I get every day would likely cause me to barf my guts as soon as I digest it and it enters my blood. So that’s the benefit of the intravenous infusion. I have to sit there all day but side effects are minimized.
I also get an extensive cocktail of drugs to manage the side effects: kytrol, steriods, and amend. These are given intravenously prior to the first chemo drug (usally Cisplatin). Additionally, because Cisplatin can mess up my kidney, they give me a full liter of intravenous hydration (basically saline solution) at the beginning and end of each infusion on days 1 through 5. On these days my schedule at the infusion center will typically look something like this:
Arrive at the infusion center, check in, and wait (depending on how busy it is).
Take my vitals: blood pressure, temperature, oxygen level, weight.
Get called back to the infusion center, start an IV if I don’t already have one.
One liter of intravenous hydration over the course of an hour.
Pre-meds (the three drug mix above for side effects above) for half an hour.
Cisplatin, typically 45mg dissolved in a liter of saline, for one hour.
Etoposide, weight based, somewhere around 1mg per pound of body weight, dissolved in a liter of saline, for one hour.
Bleomycin (days 2, 9, and 16 only), for 15 minutes or so. I don’t remember the dosage. I also get tylenol to help counteract fever and also Zyrtec for some side effect, not sure what that is, ha.
BOOM, that’s it folks! Today the above treatment (no Bleomycin today) took just under 5 and half hours. In addtion to the standard treatment above, I had to get blood drawn to make sure I was healthy enough to start cycle 2 and also visit the Oncologist to check in on me and make sure everything is ok. Turns out everything was fine so I started cycle 2! The blood draw people were running behind by an hour, which pushed everything else back today. My infusion ended at around 7:20pm and we got home just in time to see Elliot before his bedtime.
Even though today was a long day and ran late it was a really good day, much better than day 1 of cycle 1 where I was emotional wreck. Now I know what to expect so it was easier mentally and emotionally. I felt great and full of energy all day so I got some stuff done (still writing this blog post as of 11:50pm!), but better yet I had VISITORS! Five of my co-workers drove half an hour from the office to see me! Peter, Jon, James, and Scott stopped by for an hour and a half to chat, see what my typical day at the infusion center is like, and lift my spirits. It was a great visit. I’ve gotten nothing but love and support from my company during this time, they are really taking care of me well! I’m thankful I have a good job and work for a company that’s supportive and just wants me to get healthy.
These are some really awesome dudes that I work with. I work with some other really awesome people asd well who aren’t pictured here.
My good friend Philip also came by infusion center later to hang out, shoot the breeze, and give me crap. That’s how Philip loves on me, by teasing me. I have other friends who do this as well. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. It was also great visit with Philip and I was glad he got to come by and experience my new normal.
Anyway, I’m up to over 1700 words now on this blog post. Kudos to you if you’re still reading! I’ll post another update soon with details on my brother and sister’s trips and some fun photos with them. Until then stay tuned!
On Friday of last week my sister, Ashley, arrived in San Diego, and on Sunday my mom, Carroll, flew back to Indiana. It was great to have my mom’s help and I’m thankful she was here for the first two weeks. My sister has also been a great help since she’s been here the past week or so. And today my brother flew in from Indiana for the weekend! It’s great to have him here as well – it’s his first time to San Diego since we moved here.
I’ve been feeling quite well as of late, likely because my chemo schedule hasn’t been as intense. On Tuesday I had my last infusion (Bleomycin) of cycle one. No fever this time, which is great. My sister Ashley went with me to the infusion center this time so she got to experience all the fun of sitting around while I receive my chemo drugs intravenously.
Day 16 at the infusion center was uneventful
On Sunday we took my sister for a nice walk to see some more wildflowers down in Chula Vista. The wildflower bloom was off the charts and I got some great photos on our walk!
Wildflowers Near Mother San Miguel MountainWOWZA. AMAZING!My sister, Ashley, Elliot, and Lisa all enjoying the view.
I’ve been feeling so well this week I even went to work on Monday and Wednesday! It was really good to get back in the office, get some things done, and see all my coworkers. I’m thankful that the past week or so I have been doing well enough to have some semblence of normal life. It gives me hope that I can potentially return to work full time earlier than expected, and work a bit more the next two cycles.
Also, final update for today: my hair is starting to fall out. Yeah, I knew this time would come but it doesn’t really make it any easier. It’s mostly still on my head and beard, but anytime I touch my hair or beard a lot of hairs end up on my hands. I’m guessing it will likely be complety gone in the next week, possibly earlier. My brother and I are visiting my barber tomorrow together and I might just have him shave it off entirely, but we will see.
We still have some dates available for meals in the upcoming weeks if anyone would like to volunteer! You can check the available dates on our meal train site here: https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/lmwm36. Thank you for the continued support!
Days 4&5 were a slog. These were the final full days at the infusion center for cycle 1 (each cycle is three weeks, and I have three cycles in total). I was sick of sitting in the infusion center all day. Sick of fighting traffic on the 805 every morning. Sick of having to wake up early and force myself to to eat food I can’t taste and drink coffee that now tastes terrible. Fine cancer, just TAKE AWAY ALL THE THINGS IN LIFE I ENJOY. The chemo brain was so bad at the end of last week that I could barely read or focus (hence long gap between recent posts). Thankfully I’m doing better with that now though.
Chemo Day 5 – a typical day in the infusion center.
The weekend (days 6 and 7) was a welcome break from the constant trips to the infusion center. One of the drugs I take for nausea makes me really drowsy and that’s why it’s so hard to wake up in the morning, so it was nice to finally sleep in. I did, however, have to go to the infusion center on Saturday for a shot of Neulasta. If you’ve never heard of Neulasta, its an outrageously expensive drug that stimulates bone marrow to produce white blood cells. The chemo drugs attack and kill white blood cells, which compromises the immune system, so Neulasta is given to counteract this and hopefully increase my low white blood cell count. Neulasta has no direct generic alternative at the moment, so this one shot probably cost my insurance somewhere around $6000! Yeah, that’s totally insane. Also, Neulasta causes bone pain (makes sense) and apparently claritin helps with that somehow, so now I’m on claritin, ha. Anyways, I got the Neulasta shot, side effects have been minimal so far and I’m thankful I have good insurance that is getting me the treatment and meds I need.
The rest of the weekend was quite nice. I was prescribed steriods for days 6-8, which helped manage the fatigue and nausea side effects, so overall I was feeling pretty good. Sunday we even made it to the beach!
Elliot is finally old enough to enjoy the beach! And seriously, how cute is that hat?!!! #FutureSurferBro
Monday I also felt good, thanks to the steriods. The poppies are in full bloom here in Southern California right now. I wanted to make sure my mom saw the poppy bloom before she leaves, so we made time for a nice walk at Mission Trails park in the morning while I was feeling well.
The poppies in full bloom at Mission Trails Park
Tuesday (day 9) I was back at the infusion center in the afternoon to receive Bleomycin. This is a shorter infusion (only takes 15 minutes) so my mom and I were only at UCSD for a couple hours including all the pre-meds and waiting around. On days 2, 9, and 16 of each cycle I get Bleomycin (it’s my only infusion during weeks 2 and 3 of each cycle), and this drug has a different set of side effects than the other chemo drugs. The primary side effect the Oncologists worry about with Bleomycin is fever. And on Tuesday evening around 5pm I got hit with a fever. My temperature was in the 100-101 range. We spoke with an Oncologist at the hospital and they instructed us to head to the Emergency Room. So off to UCSD Hillcrest we went! Wow that sucked. We got there at 9pm and were there until 4am. My mom was a trooper through it all. She slept on a folding chair for most of the night. Everything turned out fine, but the doctors wanted to make sure the fever was from the Bleomycin and not from an infection since my immune system is so compromised right now (also, sitting in the ER waiting room isn’t the safest place for an immo-compromised chemo patient, ha). After 7 hours in the ER, turns out I’m fine and not sick (they drew blood and took a urine sample) and they sent me home. I’m really glad to have had my mom around for this so Lisa could stay home with Elliot and get rest. Last night wasn’t fun, but it would have been a lot worse without my mom’s help.
Fighting a fever and trying to sleep on the terribly uncomfortable ER bed.
Today I slept in until 11am recovering from the craziness of last night! My fever broke at the hospital so today I’ve been doing better. I made some homemade Caeser salad dressing (yes, from anchovies, YUM!) for my salad at lunch. And yes that dressing is whole30 compliant! And yes the croutons are also whole30 compliant (made from almond flour).
Whole30 Compliant Homemade Caesar Salad (minus the parmesan cheese)
THEN I decided to treat myself (#TREATYOSELF) and get my hair cleaned up again by my man, Rene. I decided a haircut was healther treat than cheating with fast food, and I’m proud of that decision today. I really was craving some McDonald’s or Taco Bell but I didn’t give in!
Sweet new hairdo! Will this be the last one before it all falls out?!
Then this evening, our good friend Philip came by with some of his amazing ribs for dinner. Man, those ribs are damn tasty. Yeah, I know BBQ sauce isn’t whole30 compliant, but neither is all the cheese I’m eating. Well actually, I’m not eating that much cheese, and a little bit of BBQ sauce is better than a binge at Taco Bell.
This weekend I was feeling overwhelmed by the number of days left in my treatment. Today that number is 53, and I don’t feel so overwhelmed, even though that’s still a pretty big number. I feel contentment for where I’m currently at in this process, and hopeful for the future. I continue to feel immense gratitude for the support from those around us, and that makes my heart so very full right now.
I know it’s gonna get hard again, and I’m okay with that. I’ll make it through. Baby steps, right?
TRIGGER WARNING: this post confronts anxiety and fear of death in very real and raw forms as I experienced leading up to my diagnosis. If you don’t think you can handle these intense raw emotions I recommend skipping this post.
I might just disappear I’m so close to freaking out There’s a hole in me And I’m just finding out
Iron Chic, “Invisible Ink”
Wow. I’ve got cancer. Deep breath. I’ve got cancer. Another deep breath, don’t freak out. What a crazy thing for me to say. It doesn’t feel like I have cancer, but that doesn’t mean anything. A few days ago I finished my first week of chemotherapy treatment. So how the in the hell did I end up here?
Sometime in the fall I started to notice some discomfort in the back of my right testicle. It’s hard to pinpoint down exactly when, but probably in the October time frame I started to notice the discomfort. My initial reaction was that it was just lingering from some sort of injury when I got kicked in the nuts so I didn’t think much of it.
But then I found the lump. The exact day was Saturday, January 19th, 2019. It was a typical Saturday, Lisa and I had been working outside in the yard doing some landscaping. I showered in the afternoon, and found the lump in the rear of my right testicle. Immediately I knew something was wrong and proceeded to freak out in my head (queue up the song lyrics above, ha). Lisa and Elliot were in the bathroom, so I asked them to leave, and then laid down in the shower and tried not to have a panic attack. My mind was swirling to dark places and I was sure I was going to die.
This went on for about three days before I finally got the nerve to tell Lisa. Yeah, I kept it to myself that whole time and it was horrible. I’m not sure why it took me so long to tell her. Maybe because I was so afraid that speaking the words would make it more real, and then I would have to do something about it. If I didn’t tell anyone then I could just ignore that silly lump and pretend it didn’t exist and keep living my normal life. Telling Lisa meant IT WAS REAL and I had to do something about it.
The next week I finally made an appointment to see a Urologist at UCSD to get it checked out (baby steps, right?). That day was Monday, February 4th. The urologist did an exam and ordered an ultrasound. He thought it might just be a cyst and I left his office in a more positive state of mind, but oh boy was he wrong!
I had the ultrasound the next day, Tuesday, February 5th. By the end of the ultrasound I knew something was not right. The ultrasound tech was acting really funny, and after she was done she told me that “you should call your doctor – as soon as possible.” Yikes. Queue another freak out!!! I left the urgent care center and drove to get coffee at Mostra, one of my favorite coffee shops in all of San Diego. I went to get my coffee and thought about the fact that I’m here all alone and I probably have cancer and am probably gonna die and nobody knows this but me. Everyone else is just carrying on with their life while my world is crumbling. That was a tough hour for me.
I got to work, sent a few emails and then the doctor called. He told me to get to his office ASAP, and that my right testicle needed to be removed. I told my supervisor that I had to leave to deal with a life threatening personal health issue and will be in touch when I know more (sorry Peter!). I wasn’t sure when I’d return to work.
I left the office and first called Lisa and told her to meet me at home so we could all go to the doctor together. We had yet to tell any family, and I told her she could now call her family. I immediately called my mom. She was at work, and she tells me now she didn’t want to believe what I was saying was true. My mom was worried about me (what’s new, she worries a lot) because I was driving home. It was good for me to tell her because now I knew I had my family behind me in support. Even so, I was a disaster. I was very afraid of what the doctor was going to say once we got to his office.
Lisa and I finally met up at home and she drove us over to the doctor’s office. The details of that visit are a bit hazy now. I honestly can’t remember much of what the doctor said, except for the following:
The lump originated from the center of your testicle, so it’s very likely a cancerous tumor and needs to be removed.
We have you scheduled for surgery tomorrow to remove your right testicle if you are ready to consent to this treatment.
Uh yes doctor, I will take your recommendation. Get this cancerous nut out of me.
Elliot and I waiting for the doctor to come and tell me I have cancer. Photo cred: Lisa
Here comes the good part of this story. At this point our community RALLIED AROUND US!!! That night (Tuesday) we had dinner and drinks with some friends at Toronado, one of our favorite bars. We ate steak and drink beer. It was awesome, I felt very loved and supported.
Final meal before surgery had to be steak!
Surgery was scheduled for 1pm Wednesday February 6th. Lisa and I went to the hospital together while our friend Nancy watched Elliot. I was super nervous and anxious about being put under general anesthesia. I’ve only been under a couple of times, but I was still nervous about the very very very small chance that I may not wake up. This is the messed up anxiety I deal with friends. It was great to have Lisa there to help calm me and offer her loving support. She is a ROCKSTAR and has been so strong through this entire ordeal!
Feeling confident and ready for surgery after the nice anesthesiologist gave me some anti-anxiety chill out juice
The surgery went off without a hitch! They put me under and I woke up after the surgery in the post-op area drinking from a juice box. I felt so groggy and was in some SERIOUS pain still. I told the nurse I still had a lot of pain and he graciously injected some Fentynal in my IV. When I found out he had just given me Fentynal, I responded with: “Isn’t that what killed Prince?!” Haha. Then I asked for coffee, but unfortunately he didn’t have any.
I was discharged shortly thereafter where Lisa and Elliot were waiting for me outside the post-op area. That night I felt awesome on all the drugs and super high on life. I even ordered a custom license plate for my new car that night! You’ll have to wait until a future post to learn about the license plate if you don’t already know. 😉
Feeling high on life (and a lot of drugs) after a successful Orchiectomy (Testicle Removal Surgery) O
The love continued to pour in the days after my surgery. Friends stopped by with all of my favorite things: donuts, beer, flowers, gift cards, meals, laughs, good convo, etc. If you are one of these people (you know who you are!) I THANK YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. The support our community has shown #TeamRigg during this trying time has really helped Lisa, Elliot, and I make it through the ups and downs. Knowing that all y’all have my back helps me through the tough times. Thanks for being here for us and with us. We really love you all and couldn’t do this without you!
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