The Chemo – Days 4 Through 10

Days 4&5 were a slog. These were the final full days at the infusion center for cycle 1 (each cycle is three weeks, and I have three cycles in total). I was sick of sitting in the infusion center all day. Sick of fighting traffic on the 805 every morning. Sick of having to wake up early and force myself to to eat food I can’t taste and drink coffee that now tastes terrible. Fine cancer, just TAKE AWAY ALL THE THINGS IN LIFE I ENJOY. The chemo brain was so bad at the end of last week that I could barely read or focus (hence long gap between recent posts). Thankfully I’m doing better with that now though.

Chemo Day 5 – a typical day in the infusion center.

The weekend (days 6 and 7) was a welcome break from the constant trips to the infusion center. One of the drugs I take for nausea makes me really drowsy and that’s why it’s so hard to wake up in the morning, so it was nice to finally sleep in. I did, however, have to go to the infusion center on Saturday for a shot of Neulasta. If you’ve never heard of Neulasta, its an outrageously expensive drug that stimulates bone marrow to produce white blood cells. The chemo drugs attack and kill white blood cells, which compromises the immune system, so Neulasta is given to counteract this and hopefully increase my low white blood cell count. Neulasta has no direct generic alternative at the moment, so this one shot probably cost my insurance somewhere around $6000! Yeah, that’s totally insane. Also, Neulasta causes bone pain (makes sense) and apparently claritin helps with that somehow, so now I’m on claritin, ha. Anyways, I got the Neulasta shot, side effects have been minimal so far and I’m thankful I have good insurance that is getting me the treatment and meds I need.

The rest of the weekend was quite nice. I was prescribed steriods for days 6-8, which helped manage the fatigue and nausea side effects, so overall I was feeling pretty good. Sunday we even made it to the beach!

Elliot is finally old enough to enjoy the beach! And seriously, how cute is that hat?!!! #FutureSurferBro

Monday I also felt good, thanks to the steriods. The poppies are in full bloom here in Southern California right now. I wanted to make sure my mom saw the poppy bloom before she leaves, so we made time for a nice walk at Mission Trails park in the morning while I was feeling well.

The poppies in full bloom at Mission Trails Park

Tuesday (day 9) I was back at the infusion center in the afternoon to receive Bleomycin. This is a shorter infusion (only takes 15 minutes) so my mom and I were only at UCSD for a couple hours including all the pre-meds and waiting around. On days 2, 9, and 16 of each cycle I get Bleomycin (it’s my only infusion during weeks 2 and 3 of each cycle), and this drug has a different set of side effects than the other chemo drugs. The primary side effect the Oncologists worry about with Bleomycin is fever. And on Tuesday evening around 5pm I got hit with a fever. My temperature was in the 100-101 range. We spoke with an Oncologist at the hospital and they instructed us to head to the Emergency Room. So off to UCSD Hillcrest we went! Wow that sucked. We got there at 9pm and were there until 4am. My mom was a trooper through it all. She slept on a folding chair for most of the night. Everything turned out fine, but the doctors wanted to make sure the fever was from the Bleomycin and not from an infection since my immune system is so compromised right now (also, sitting in the ER waiting room isn’t the safest place for an immo-compromised chemo patient, ha). After 7 hours in the ER, turns out I’m fine and not sick (they drew blood and took a urine sample) and they sent me home. I’m really glad to have had my mom around for this so Lisa could stay home with Elliot and get rest. Last night wasn’t fun, but it would have been a lot worse without my mom’s help.

Fighting a fever and trying to sleep on the terribly uncomfortable ER bed.

Today I slept in until 11am recovering from the craziness of last night! My fever broke at the hospital so today I’ve been doing better. I made some homemade Caeser salad dressing (yes, from anchovies, YUM!) for my salad at lunch. And yes that dressing is whole30 compliant! And yes the croutons are also whole30 compliant (made from almond flour).

Whole30 Compliant Homemade Caesar Salad (minus the parmesan cheese)

THEN I decided to treat myself (#TREATYOSELF) and get my hair cleaned up again by my man, Rene. I decided a haircut was healther treat than cheating with fast food, and I’m proud of that decision today. I really was craving some McDonald’s or Taco Bell but I didn’t give in!

Sweet new hairdo! Will this be the last one before it all falls out?!

Then this evening, our good friend Philip came by with some of his amazing ribs for dinner. Man, those ribs are damn tasty. Yeah, I know BBQ sauce isn’t whole30 compliant, but neither is all the cheese I’m eating. Well actually, I’m not eating that much cheese, and a little bit of BBQ sauce is better than a binge at Taco Bell.

This weekend I was feeling overwhelmed by the number of days left in my treatment. Today that number is 53, and I don’t feel so overwhelmed, even though that’s still a pretty big number. I feel contentment for where I’m currently at in this process, and hopeful for the future. I continue to feel immense gratitude for the support from those around us, and that makes my heart so very full right now.

I know it’s gonna get hard again, and I’m okay with that. I’ll make it through. Baby steps, right?

-B

The Diagnosis & Surgery – Or Trying Not to Freak Out When You Find a Lump on Your Nut

TRIGGER WARNING: this post confronts anxiety and fear of death in very real and raw forms as I experienced leading up to my diagnosis. If you don’t think you can handle these intense raw emotions I recommend skipping this post.

I might just disappear
I’m so close to freaking out
There’s a hole in me
And I’m just finding out

Iron Chic, “Invisible Ink”

Wow. I’ve got cancer. Deep breath. I’ve got cancer. Another deep breath, don’t freak out. What a crazy thing for me to say. It doesn’t feel like I have cancer, but that doesn’t mean anything. A few days ago I finished my first week of chemotherapy treatment. So how the in the hell did I end up here?

Sometime in the fall I started to notice some discomfort in the back of my right testicle. It’s hard to pinpoint down exactly when, but probably in the October time frame I started to notice the discomfort. My initial reaction was that it was just lingering from some sort of injury when I got kicked in the nuts so I didn’t think much of it.

But then I found the lump. The exact day was Saturday, January 19th, 2019. It was a typical Saturday, Lisa and I had been working outside in the yard doing some landscaping. I showered in the afternoon, and found the lump in the rear of my right testicle. Immediately I knew something was wrong and proceeded to freak out in my head (queue up the song lyrics above, ha). Lisa and Elliot were in the bathroom, so I asked them to leave, and then laid down in the shower and tried not to have a panic attack. My mind was swirling to dark places and I was sure I was going to die.

This went on for about three days before I finally got the nerve to tell Lisa. Yeah, I kept it to myself that whole time and it was horrible. I’m not sure why it took me so long to tell her. Maybe because I was so afraid that speaking the words would make it more real, and then I would have to do something about it. If I didn’t tell anyone then I could just ignore that silly lump and pretend it didn’t exist and keep living my normal life. Telling Lisa meant IT WAS REAL and I had to do something about it.

The next week I finally made an appointment to see a Urologist at UCSD to get it checked out (baby steps, right?). That day was Monday, February 4th. The urologist did an exam and ordered an ultrasound. He thought it might just be a cyst and I left his office in a more positive state of mind, but oh boy was he wrong!

I had the ultrasound the next day, Tuesday, February 5th. By the end of the ultrasound I knew something was not right. The ultrasound tech was acting really funny, and after she was done she told me that “you should call your doctor – as soon as possible.” Yikes. Queue another freak out!!! I left the urgent care center and drove to get coffee at Mostra, one of my favorite coffee shops in all of San Diego. I went to get my coffee and thought about the fact that I’m here all alone and I probably have cancer and am probably gonna die and nobody knows this but me. Everyone else is just carrying on with their life while my world is crumbling. That was a tough hour for me.

I got to work, sent a few emails and then the doctor called. He told me to get to his office ASAP, and that my right testicle needed to be removed. I told my supervisor that I had to leave to deal with a life threatening personal health issue and will be in touch when I know more (sorry Peter!). I wasn’t sure when I’d return to work.

I left the office and first called Lisa and told her to meet me at home so we could all go to the doctor together. We had yet to tell any family, and I told her she could now call her family. I immediately called my mom. She was at work, and she tells me now she didn’t want to believe what I was saying was true. My mom was worried about me (what’s new, she worries a lot) because I was driving home. It was good for me to tell her because now I knew I had my family behind me in support. Even so, I was a disaster. I was very afraid of what the doctor was going to say once we got to his office.

Lisa and I finally met up at home and she drove us over to the doctor’s office. The details of that visit are a bit hazy now. I honestly can’t remember much of what the doctor said, except for the following:

  1. The lump originated from the center of your testicle, so it’s very likely a cancerous tumor and needs to be removed.
  2. We have you scheduled for surgery tomorrow to remove your right testicle if you are ready to consent to this treatment.

Uh yes doctor, I will take your recommendation. Get this cancerous nut out of me.

Elliot and I waiting for the doctor to come and tell me I have cancer. Photo cred: Lisa

Here comes the good part of this story. At this point our community RALLIED AROUND US!!! That night (Tuesday) we had dinner and drinks with some friends at Toronado, one of our favorite bars. We ate steak and drink beer. It was awesome, I felt very loved and supported.

Final meal before surgery had to be steak!

Surgery was scheduled for 1pm Wednesday February 6th. Lisa and I went to the hospital together while our friend Nancy watched Elliot. I was super nervous and anxious about being put under general anesthesia. I’ve only been under a couple of times, but I was still nervous about the very very very small chance that I may not wake up. This is the messed up anxiety I deal with friends. It was great to have Lisa there to help calm me and offer her loving support. She is a ROCKSTAR and has been so strong through this entire ordeal!

Feeling confident and ready for surgery after the nice anesthesiologist gave me some anti-anxiety chill out juice

The surgery went off without a hitch! They put me under and I woke up after the surgery in the post-op area drinking from a juice box. I felt so groggy and was in some SERIOUS pain still. I told the nurse I still had a lot of pain and he graciously injected some Fentynal in my IV. When I found out he had just given me Fentynal, I responded with: “Isn’t that what killed Prince?!” Haha. Then I asked for coffee, but unfortunately he didn’t have any.

I was discharged shortly thereafter where Lisa and Elliot were waiting for me outside the post-op area. That night I felt awesome on all the drugs and super high on life. I even ordered a custom license plate for my new car that night! You’ll have to wait until a future post to learn about the license plate if you don’t already know. 😉

Feeling high on life (and a lot of drugs) after a successful Orchiectomy (Testicle Removal Surgery)
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The love continued to pour in the days after my surgery. Friends stopped by with all of my favorite things: donuts, beer, flowers, gift cards, meals, laughs, good convo, etc. If you are one of these people (you know who you are!) I THANK YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. The support our community has shown #TeamRigg during this trying time has really helped Lisa, Elliot, and I make it through the ups and downs. Knowing that all y’all have my back helps me through the tough times. Thanks for being here for us and with us. We really love you all and couldn’t do this without you!

Peace.

-B

The Chemo – Days 2 & 3

Day 2 was largely uneventful, which is good! Lisa and my mom are switching off days at the hospital so Tuesday was my mom’s (Carroll) day to come with me to my chemo appointment.

There were two small annoyances I had to deal with though. First, I had to get a new IV. This is annoying because I intentionally saved the IV from Monday. It was irritating to sleep with that night and then I couldn’t get it wet the next morning and had to take a bath instead of a shower. When the nurse attempted to inject some saline Tuesday morning it hurt pretty badly. Thus, they started a new IV in my left arm (previous IV was on the right). I’m getting IVs everyday because the ports are even more annoying to deal with. And really, I only have 21 days of infusion so I shouldn’t be completely full of track marks like a junkie at the end of these 9 weeks.

Hammering Down Cancer and getting some stuff done on chemo day 2!!!

The second minor annoyance is that we stayed longer than needed because the nurse had too many patients. There are 60 chairs for chemo patients at the UCSD Moores Cancer Center and they were completely full yesterday. Basically, I’d finish one IV bag and the nurse was too busy to swap out the old bag for a new bag and we didn’t leave until around 4:30. Once we got home I finally got to take a nice 40 minute nap in my new recliner though, it was great!

Today, Wednesday, is chemo day 3 and it was Lisa’s turn to accompany me to my appointment. Man oh man did the fatigue hit me hard today. I was super groggy getting out of bed and the tiredness didn’t really let up until the afternoon. I even took an hour and a half nap in the morning at the infusion center!

Passed out HARD at the infusion center this morning.

I had another nice foot massage in the afternoon, ate some lunch, and then felt like I finally had some energy right as my appointment was done for the day. We finished infusion around 2:30, so we finally had time to get to AAA to and pickup my Disabled Persons Parking Placard! This will allow us to park for free at the Moores Cancer Center valet! And yes, our hospital has a valet, only in California!

We made it home around 4pm and I crashed hard again for about an hour in yep, you guess it – my fancy recliner. Then the me and the fam walked to check out the new Target in North Park! Lisa is SUPER EXCITED to be able to walk to Target from our house! It’s smaller than a full blown Target, but has just enough essentials when you’re in a pinch. I’m sure we will be taking many more trips to this Target in the future!

Finally, our friend Nancy stopped by to drop off another delicious whole 30 meal and visit for a bit. It’s been really encouraging to have so many people rally around our family during this challenging time and we greatly appreciate everything that you all have done for us. I can’t thank you enough. My heart is full from the overwhelming generosity of our community, both near and far. YOU ARE THE BEST!!!

Anyways, I feel like I’m rambling more in this post than the past few, so I’ll wrap things up. I hope to post soon about my diagnosis and also the chemo regimen I’m on so keep an eye out for those posts soon. Oh, and make sure to click on the follow button to get email updates when I post!

-B

The Chemo – Day 1

I’m hanging on by a thread
And all I’m clinging to is prayers
And every breath is like a battle
I feel like I ain’t come prepared
And death’s knockin’ on the front door
Pain’s creepin’ through the back
Fear’s crawlin’ through the windows
Waiting for em’ to attack
They say “Don’t get bitter, get better”
I’m working on switching them letters
But tell God I’mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together

Lecrae “I’ll Find You“

That was me yesterday morning. FEAR. ANXIETY. I DID NOT FEEL PREPARED.

Despite the upbeat tone of yesterday’s post, I didn’t get to do all the things I wanted to do before starting chemo, and yesterday morning I just felt like I couldn’t go through with it. I cried in the shower while getting ready for the day. I was stalling before we left because I didn’t want to go. But finally, Lisa and I left the house (late of course), and I got to drive and listen to music with her on the way. Lisa took my hand when the Lecrae song above came on and it was nice moment that helped me feel a bit better.

After fighting traffic on the 805 freeway we arrived at Moores Cancer Center at UCSD:

Wearing my Anthony Rizzo #44 jersey for inspiration since he’s a cancer survivor
Also note the “try not to suck” socks!

Lisa parked while I checked in. A fun perk of having cancer at UCSD is free parking! Literally all other patients have to pay to park here; we even had to pay to park when Elliot was born at this hospital. After check-in I made my way to the “Infusion Center Waiting Room.” This was the most fucking depressing place I’ve ever been to. All these people with cancer in various stages of health and in various stages of their treatments, just sitting there waiting to get the next chemo treatment. Major downer. I tried to keep it together while I waited for Lisa to show up. Thankfully she showed up quickly to comfort me and the nurse called my name soon after. They checked my vitals and I was admitted to the infusion center.

The infusion center was better than the waiting room. I was offered either a private room with a bed or a “cubicle” in a large open bay with a recliner and curtains separating you from the other patients. I chose the recliner so I could sit rather than lay down to try to get some of the endless disability paperwork done so I can get paid during my treatment. PITA.

Nurse Katie was great. She explained what was going to happen and asked if I had questions. “Yes,” I said as I began to cry, “how bad is it going to be today?” AND THEN I LOST IT. Ugh. Katie then walked over, got down on my level and reassured me: “you’re gonna be alright. Every person is different, but this is the first day. Side effects shouldn’t be too bad today. You can do this.” I tell Nurse Katie I need to pee one last time and head to the bathroom to cry some more. Blah. That’s when I remembered the wise words of the famous psychiatrist Dr. Leo Marvin, during an interaction with his client Bob:

Bob: Baby steps?

Marvin: It means setting small, reasonable goals for yourself. One day at a time, one tiny step at a time—do-able, accomplish-able goals.

Bob: Baby steps.

Marvin: When you leave this office, don’t think about everything you have to do to get out of the building, just deal with getting out of the room. When you reach the hall, just deal with the hall. And so forth. Baby steps.

Laura Ziskin (Producer), & Frank Oz. (Director). (1991). What About Bob? [Motion Picture]. USA: Touchstone Home Entertainment.

Baby steps. I can do this. Go back and get the IV. Then it’s just intravenous hydration for a couple hours. I can do this. Then it’s anti-nausea meds for another half hour. I can do this. Then when the cancer drugs start I will figure it out. Baby steps. I can do this.

The infusion center chair is not as comfortable as my new ugly ass amazing recliner at home

Mid morning during my hydration infusion the oncology pharmacist stopped by to offer more information on the cancer drugs. She explained that the dosage of cancer drugs I will be receiving is fairly low each day. In total over 5 days (Monday to Friday of this week) I will receive a single full dose of cisplatin and etoposide (more to come on the chemo drugs & regimen in a future post). For other types of cancer that use these drugs, typically patients will receive a full dose in a single day. The news that I will be receiving a full dose over 5 days put me at ease a bit more as this means my side effects might not be as intense in a single day, but are more spread out.

Right after I started the first chemo drug infusion (cisplatin) our friend Amy, who works in the adjacent USCD hospital, stopped by during her lunch break. Her company was a good distraction during the beginning of the chemo infusion. After she left, I got a free 20 minute foot massage! This was a tremendous help, and my anxiety levels went WAY down during the massage. I even fell asleep for a bit! Free foot massages are offered to cancer patients thanks to a gift from an anonymous donor who paid to have a certified oncology masseuse at UCSD. It was such a great gift to me and to all the other cancer patients at UCSD as well. I’m very thankful for this anonymous donor’s generosity.

The rest of the day at the cancer center was uneventful. Lisa and I just hung out while my infusions came to an end for the day. Then we had a fun terrible hour drive home in traffic, during which the first chemo symptom started to set in: NAUSEA. Not sure if it was the chemo drugs or the fact that I was on my phone the entire drive home in stop and go traffic on the 5 freeway, but by the time we got home my stomach was a bit queasy. It wasn’t bad enough that I felt like I was going to throw up, but was more like being mildly seasick. Very manageable, and I was able to enjoy the incredible beef curry our friend Molly made for us for dinner! So tasty.

On that note, if you are at all interested in helping TeamRigg in some way, providing meals would be the best way to do so right now. This will be especially helpful down the road when we don’t have family here in town to help! We have a meal train setup and you can learn more at this link: https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/lmwm36. If cooking isn’t your thing then donations for food money or Grub Hub type gift cards are also a good option. But seriously, there’s no obligation to help if you aren’t in a place to do that right now. We appreciate your love and support in whatever way works for you.

The rest of the night was pretty chill. Lisa, my mom (Carroll), and I just hung out after dinner and got some stuff done. I was feeling pretty good and had some energy so I checked some work emails and started writing this blog post. I didn’t get to relax much in my fancy new chair yesterday, but I’m sure I’ll need to do that soon. Right now I’m just taking it one day at a time.

Baby steps. I can do this.

-B

The Pre-Chemo Prep

I had just over a week to prepare for chemo after I received my diagnosis and made a decision on the treatment plan. What I’ve now realized is that preparing for chemo isn’t all that different from planning a vacation, except instead of a getting to fly to a nice beach in a faraway spot you just get to drive to the infusion center! Ugh. So I bought some new sweats and comfortable lounge clothes to channel my inner Dude (the Big Lebowski) for 9 weeks of chillaxing. I also took this excuse to buy a new Cubs spring training hat since my hair is going to fall out.

Far and away the pre-cancer purchase I’m most excited about though is this AMAZING RECLINER! As you can see, the new recliner really ties the living room together:

Lisa’s and Sophie’s and Elliot’s  favorite new chair.

This is how I know Lisa loves me deeply. She let me buy this ugly ass but insanely comfortable recliner for my 9 weeks of chemo. It’s now sitting in the middle of our living room and has totally messed up Lisa’s beautiful and meticulously planned space. But seriously, this thing is powered and has built in USB charging ports! It will be great when I’m really feeling crappy.

Another thing I wanted to do before chemo started was to get one last haircut and shave from my barber, Rene. I’ve been going to Rene since I moved to San Diego and he’s the best. The thought of losing my hair has been pretty scary for me and makes me sad to think about. I really love my red hair and it’s such a big piece of my identity as a person that it’s going to be a challenge for me to give that up during chemo. So anyways I went to see Rene one last time and he hooked me up with this bad ass haircut:

Super fresh new cancer haircut (at least until my hair falls out)

As you can see I went all out, and Rene added the cool lightning bolt for some extra pizzazz! You can follow Rene @kleanshaven on Instagram or book an appointment with him on the Freshly Faded website.

Finally, I had to get some good eats before chemo started. The chemo drugs mess up your taste buds and I’m now on the whole 30 diet so I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat a lot of my favorite foods for 9 weeks. It’s been a whirlwind of crazy good food the past couple weeks including:

  • IN-N-OUT BURGER
  • Ramen
  • Fried chicken at Fernside in South Park (thank you Travis!!!)
  • Indian Food from Himilayan Curry & Grill
  • Lisa’s amazing white chicken chili
  • Lisa’s amazing baked ziti
  • Hawaiian food from Chris’ Ono Grinds
  • Regent’s Pizza
  • Homemade biscuits & gravy
  • Curry & Noodles from Bahn Thai
  • Burgers & Pizza at THE FRIENDLY
  • Best steak of my life at Born and Raised with Lisa, my sister Ash, and bro-in-law Chad

Processed with MOLDIV
All the tasty things I love that I’m no longer allowed to eat or drink

Yeah that was some darn good eating and drinking. Last night I attempted to eat two entire boxes of girl scout cookies and failed miserably! Sadly I only made it through a half box of samoas. But now I’m going whole 30 and eating clean and not drinking so I can help my body HAMMER DOWN CANCER these next 9 weeks. We’ve even enlisted the help of a Nutrition Therapy Practitioner that specializes in helping cancer patients. Her name is Karianne and she is super great. She’s a cancer survivor and has been through chemo and knows how to help her clients both beat cancer and minimize the negative side effects of chemo including nausea. If you’d like some excellent Nutritional Therapy (even if you don’t have cancer, she can still help!) check out Karianne at her website: https://inspirawellnesscollective.com/.

Enjoyment of food has been a pretty big part of my life so it will be interesting to see how I do during chemo without some of the foods I really enjoy. Not that I won’t enjoy food at all, but priority #1 right now with food is to eat as healthy as possible to help my body as best I can the next 9 weeks. Up until this point my food choices were made primarily on what tastes good, whereas now I’m choosing foods that will work with my stomach and help me beat cancer. This is a good transition. Healthy eating has eluded me most of my life so maybe I can form some good habits now that will stick after my treatment is done.

Anyways, that’s it for now. It’s been a crazy week and a half prepping for chemo. Tomorrow I’m going try to post about chemo day 1 (which just finished!!!) so stay tuned!

– B

 

The Journey Begins

Hello, world.

If you’re here you probably know me. That probably means you know that I have testicular cancer. That probably also means you know I start chemotherapy to treat the cancer this coming Monday March 11th, 2019.

I’m blogging now for a couple of reasons:

  1. Facebook and other social media companies suck, and I can no longer in good conscience support these organizations.
  2. So people can keep up with how I’m doing with treatment since I’m off social media.
  3. Share my thoughts and experiences navigating life with cancer and the treatment.
  4. Give me something to do for the 9 weeks of chemo.

There you have it. I have a number of blog posts already planned to share more about my experiences thus far and what it was like for me to be diagnosed with testicular cancer. I’m excited to share this journey with you!

-B

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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