The Chemo – Cycle 3

Ugh. It’s been a long, tough week. Last Monday (one week ago) I started cycle 3, and it’s been a physically and emotionally challenging week, to say the least. This cycle really brought me to my knees – it has definitely been harder than the first two cycles. I mean I knew it was going to be hard but I didn’t realize this past week would be the hardest one yet. That’s the main reason I haven’t posted in a while, I just haven’t had the energy. But today I finally feel like I’m starting to turn a corner! I feel maybe 75% myself, but not quite at 100% normal. Hopefully in the next couple days that will happen.

I’ll start with the good: Saturday before cycle 3 started Lisa’s mom, Jevne, arrived to help! She was a key reason we made it through the week and has been amazing. Jevne even watched Elliot for us on Saturday night (her first night here!) so Lisa and I could have a date night! We had a nice dinner at one of our favorite restaurants in North Park, The Smoking Goat. Then Jevne watched Elliot during the day throughout the week so Lisa could take me to my all day infusion appointments. Clutch.

Easter Sunday we had a few friends over for dinner to celebrate. It was nice to have a normal gathering with friends before cycle 3 started, but I was still dreading the treatment that was going to start on Monday. I made the best of our time and enjoyed the food, but I’ll admit my mind was burdened with the weight of the week to come. I’m thankful for understanding friends who are willing to walk alongside me during this time.

A few other highlights of the week:

Monday night, our friend Philip and his mom Margie bought groceries and cooked dinner for us!
Our friend Nicole brought us a delicious dinner on Tuesday night even though her husband Joe, was away on a work trip all week.
My friend Jon took the day off work and drove all the way from Escondido to North Park and back to take me to infusion on Thursday so that Lisa, Elliot, and Jevne could have a fun half day at SeaWorld! Jon basically sat in traffic for me all day on Thursday, and I am so thankful for his help!
Our friend Kristen brought us our absolute favorite Thai food on Friday night!
Our friends Graden and Elle came over and cooked us dinner on Saturday night!
Our friend Olivia brought fantastic, deconstructed sweet potato tacos over for dinner Sunday night!
Several people from our North Park community group showed up for us in ways that we seriously can’t even wrap our heads around this week. You know who you are and you are incredible!
Our friend Adam Bartels happens to know Tyler Trent’s parents, so he shared my Purdue blog post with them and they graciously sent me a copy of Tyler’s new book! I started reading it at the beginning of last week when I still had energy and love it so far!

Tyler Trent’s new book. So far so good, this book has been a big encouragement to me!

There’s a lot to be thankful for here. The support we have been shown recently has been astounding and we couldn’t have made it this far without all your help.

Now onto some of the bad for the week. The veins in my arms are completely jacked up by the chemo drugs. The chemo has bruised the main veins on my inner forearms (yes veins do bruise and yes they hurt) and made it impossible for the nurses to start a new IV on any of those veins. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I HATE GETTING THE IV. It’s the worst part of each visit. I’m so stressed that the nurse won’t get it right and they will have to make multiple attempts to get a good IV (which has happened before). Thankfully, I had an amazing nurse that found an invisible vein on the top of my arm and started a good IV on Monday. I saved that IV for Tuesday (kept it overnight, which also sucks pretty bad but only slightly less than getting a new IV) and then got a new IV on Wednesday. The same nurse as Monday found the same invisible vein on the top of my right arm (previously it was the left arm) and successfully started my IV! Yeah that was a real stressor for me, but glad I made it through the week okay with the IVs. My arms look terrible now, but the worst is over.

Finally, I have just been super drained of energy this cycle. I feel like the chemo hit me harder this time. I’ve been zapped of energy and it really takes a toll on me both physically and emotionally. By Wednesday I’m basically reduced to a vegetable. All I can do is just sit around and space out. Everything takes an enormous amount of energy, even thinking, reading, and eating. As someone who spends a lot of time inside my head, you can imagine how horrible this is for me. To not even be able to think straight or read is very taxing and makes me really sad. So I just sit, and sit, and sit, and sit, …

Until finally I wake up with a bit more energy like today. Thankfully.

This week has been hard on our entire family. Lisa has had a lot of work to take care of with two busy projects going on, all while juggling Elliot duties and my daily infusion visits. There’s also the emotional component she’s been dealing with of seeing me sad and without energy and not being able to do anything about it which I know isn’t easy. She has been INCREDIBLE and is my ROCK!

BABY STEPS. I can make it through today. Tomorrow I’ll be a little better, and a bit better the day after that. Baby steps. Less than two weeks to go with cycle 3!

-B

The Alma Mater – Purdue University

hail, hail to old purdue!
all hail to our old gold and black!
hail, hail to old purdue!
our friendship may she never lack.
ever grateful, ever true,
thus we raise our song anew
of the days we’ve spent with you,
all hail our own purdue!
James R. Morrison, “Hail Purdue”

I think everyone reading this blog already knows how much I love Purdue. The four and half years I spent in West Lafayette at Purdue have had a profound impact on my life. So many good and amazing things in my life originated at Purdue:

It’s where I met my amazing better half, Lisa
I got my Bachelor of Science in Electrical Engineering that has thus far led to a successful career in wireless communications (see my only patent here, ha)
Through the community at Purdue Christian Campus House and Joshua House – the men’s co-op house where I lived for three years – I formed amazing friendships that I hope will last a lifetime

I’m writing a post specifically about Purdue because it’s uncanny just how many connections there are with Purdue and cancer for me right now.

It started in October of 2018, we were hanging out in LA for the weekend to celebrate our friend Chris Reynolds’ birthday at an AirBnB in Redondo Beach. I happened to turn on the Purdue Ohio State football game and learned about this Purdue student with bone cancer named Tyler Trent. Turns out Tyler Trent is the biggest proudest Purdue fan EVER and he made a bold prediction that the unranked Purdue football team would beat the top ranked Ohio State football team. Well friends, we all know what happened next, Tyler’s bold prediction came true and PURDUE SMOKED OHIO STATE!!! The news media heard about his prediction and stories popped up all over the internet talking about this kid and his amazing prediction that came true. Drew Brees even tweeted at Tyler:

Your school loves you too, @theTylerTrent We all feel your strength and are inspired by your will. You are special, and you make us all better. We are with you. Boilermaker4Life
Drew Brees (@drewbrees) October 20, 2018

Apparently, if I have my facts correct, Tyler Trent was the FIRST person to camp out overnight at Ross-Ade Stadium to secure seats for a Purdue football game. Also, he apparently did this on a day where he HAD A CHEMOTHERAPY INFUSION! I can’t imagine camping out in the middle of a parking lot after chemo, I want my own bed please!

So anyways, Tyler Trent gains noteriety for his bold proclimation and the rest is history… until he passed away on January first of this year. Days before he died Tyler attended Purdue’s bowl game, the Music City Bowl, where he was named the honorary captain and received a standing ovation from the entire crowd.

From what I’ve read, even until the very end Tyler was very positive and was a light to all those around him. It’s incredible to me that he was able to maintain such hope, and I know a big part of that was his faith in Christ. Here’s what Purdue head football coach Jeff Brohm had to say about Tyler:

“Tyler made an impact on us, the community, the entire school and now the entire nation. His strength has helped us overcome things along the way; to see how he’s handled himself with class, with dignity, with a great attitude, a great smile. We learned a lot from him. He got us to this point. He helped us win some games with the encouragement he provides and the love that he has for our team and university.”
Jeff Brohm
https://www.tennessean.com/story/sports/2019/01/01/tyler-trent-music-city-bowl-honorary-captain-purdue-super-fan-dies/2460688002/

The second uncanny connection about Tyler: his family currently attends, and he grew up attending College Park Church in Indianapolis. This is the church Lisa grew up in, and where her mom, Jevne, still works! College Park Church hosted Tyler’s funeral, where members of the football team including QB David Blough got up to speak about the impact Tyler had on their life. I livestreamed the funeral on my phone. This was before I knew I had cancer.

Once I was diagnosed with cancer, I felt an immediate admiration, deep connection, and thankfulness for Tyler and the life he lived. I admire his courage to be in the face of death. I admire his will to fight to the end. I admire his positive attitude even in the bleakest of moments. I admire his strength to continue to support Purdue as the best Purdue fan EVER while his body was failing him.

Tyler set a high bar for how to live life while fighting cancer. Many days I don’t feel like I live up to the bar he set, but I know that’s ok. I didn’t get to see his hard days, but I know he had them, we all do. Not everyone sees my hard days (except for Lisa!), so I just need to extend myself some grace when I’m going through a hard period. As Lisa said, the end of the full week of chemo is the hardest and I’ve been pretty wiped out since Wednesday/Thursday of last week. I’m on the mend now, and should just continue to improve this week.

Third uncanny connection with Purdue: the first Purdue basketball game after my surgery in February was Purdue’s HAMMER DOWN CANCER game! All the players wore special hammer down cancer jerseys to bring awareness to Purdue’s research in finding a cure for cancer and also the Tyler Trent Cancer Research endowment. Purdue doesn’t treat cancer patients, (you have to go to IU for that as I discussed in my last post) but does do cutting edge lab research on cancer cures. Anyways, we had a group of friends over for the Purdue Hammer Down Cancer basketball game and had a great time eating food and watching Purdue beat Nebrasksa.

On that note, it’s been a fun time watching this Purdue basketball team come back from a middling season to make it all the way to the ELITE EIGHT! It was tough to lose to Virginia, but I really loved watching this team play. It was even more fun to be able to watch Purdue play in the NCAA tournament while my brother Paul (also a Purdue grad) was here! I loved the fight of this team – they never gave up and kept pressing till the end, just like Tyler Trent. Another inspiration for me.

BOILER UP!!! – Thanks Allison and Clint for the Purdue swag!

Lastly, I’d like to give a shout out to all the Purdue peeps who have reached out in the recent weeks to support us! I love you all and am so thankful for your support. We have a great community here in San Diego, but I love getting care packages, texts, and phone calls from old friends checking to see how I’m doing. Please, keep them coming!

That’s all for now. I’ll end this post in the most appropriate way:

BOILER UP!!!

HAMMER DOWN CANCER!!!

-B

The Chemo – Cycle 2 Begins

Day 1 of cycle 2 is complete, and I’m feeling good! I know that the chemo is going to hit me harder this week since I go in every day Monday through Friday. By tomorrow night I will probably be napping in my ugly ass amazing recliner!

I wanted to fill you in on my chemotherapy regimen and give you a little bit more info and what my treatment is like. My oncologist prescribed three cycles of BEP chemo, where each cycle is three weeks, or 21 days. BEP is short for Bleomycin, Etoposide, and platinum, or as it is commonly referred to now, Cisplatin. These three drugs in combination are HIGHLY EFFECTIVE at curing testicular cancer. BEP chemo in combination with the surgery I might need afterwards has a 95% CURE RATE. That’s the highest cure rate of any type of cancer. Pro tip: if you have to get cancer, choose testicular cancer, it’s the best. Sorry ladies!

Three chemo drugs in total on a 21 day cycle. The infusion schedule based on the day of the cycle for these drugs is as follows:

Days 1 through 5: Cisplatin and Etopiside (Monday through Friday every day during the first week of my cycle)
Days 2, 9, and 16: Bleomycin. On day 2 Bleomycin is an additional infusion along with the Cisplatin and Etopiside.

I just completed the first cycle yesterday, Sunday March 31st, and today, April 1st, I started cycle two. Today was cycle 2, day 1 so it was only Cisplatin and Etopiside and the side effects haven’t quite kicked in yet, hence why I feel so good.

So how do these chemo drugs kill cancer you might ask? Great question!

Basically, Cisplatin – a chemical composed of platinum, ammonia, and chlorine – is the heavy hitter in my treatment. Cisplatin works by interfering with DNA replication, which effectively kills any and all fast growing cells in your body. Obviously that includes cancer cells, since they grow fast, but also includes things like hair, white blood cells, stomach lining, the outer layer of skin, and taste buds. Hence, many of the worst side effects of this drug. Also, Cisplatin has the potential to damage the kidney.

Fun fact about Cisplatin: the use of this drug to treat testicular cancer was pioneered in the early 1970’s by Dr. Lawrence Einhorn, a researcher at INDIANA UNIVERSITY!!! BOO, IU SUCKS! Note for those who didn’t know me in my Purdue days: Purdue and IU are bitter rivals and generally dislike or hate each other. Purdue hates IU so much they chant “IU SUCKS!” at home football games, regardless of the opponent. This past season though, for Tyler Trent, they changed the chant to “CANCER SUCKS!” I like to think they were chanting for me even though I didn’t know I had cancer yet, haha.

Before Dr. Einhorn started using Cisplatin to treat testicular cancer, the overall survival rate was only 5%!!! An article on the IU website summarizes his groundbreaking achievements and contributions to cancer research:

” Dr. Einhorn minimized the extremely toxic side effects of treatment; shortened the duration of two years of therapy to nine to 12 weeks; and established a model for a curable tumor, which has served as a research roadmap for generations of oncologists.”
Marking a Milestone: Dr. Einhorn discovered testicular cancer cure 40 years ago”, https://cancer.iu.edu/news-publications/Einhorn.shtml

Anyways, Dr. Einhorn was the dude that discovered that Cisplatin works really well when treating testicular cancer and I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL for his discovery despite the fact that he is (still) at IU. That means 50 years ago this cancer would have probably ended up killing me. Thanks IU! Just so you know, I will probably still chant “IU SUCKS!” when Purdue plays them but I will try to be nicer now.

Ok, moving on. The second drug, Etoposide – a partially synthetic drug made from the mandrake tree rhizome – is more complicated, but basically screws with the DNA sequencing of cancer cells. I’ll just quote wikepedia because it summarizes how Etoposide works better than I could:

“Etoposide forms a ternary complex with DNA and the topoisomerase II enzyme (which aids in DNA unwinding), prevents re-ligation of the DNA strands, and by doing so causes DNA strands to break.^[8] Cancer cells rely on this enzyme more than healthy cells, since they divide more rapidly. Therefore, this causes errors in DNA synthesis and promotes apoptosis of the cancer cell.”
“Etoposide”, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Etoposide

Yeah, more cool science bro, it’s saving my life here.

Finally, the third drug, Bleomycin, is some really crazy stuff. It’s a “nonribosomal peptide,” which is essentially a chain of amino acids that are produced by bacteria and fungi. Researchers don’t fully know how this drug works, but it basically causes cancer cells to split, then the Cisplatin and Etoposide attack and kills these cells. I’m not gonna quote wikipedia here because the article is too intense. You can read it if you’re interested though.

The side effects of Bleomycin are different than the last two drugs. Bleomycin is the drug that gave me a fever during week 2 and sent me to the ER. It also causes scar tissue to form in the lungs that might make breathing difficult and potentially cuase long term lung damage. The Oncologist is closely monitoring my lungs to hopefully make sure this doesn’t happen. So far I havent’ had any issues with my lungs from the Bleomycin. I read tonight that Bleomycin causes a long term increase in toxicity to Oxygen, so I will need to tell that to any doctor if have surgery and need general anesthesia. It also means I probably shouldn’t ever scuba dive again. Bit of a bummer but I’m not a huge scuba diver.

That’s the summary of my chemo drugs and how they work. All of these drugs are given intravenously, which means I have to get an IV every day I have an infusion, or try to keep the IV from the previous day (or days) overnight. I HATE getting the IV. It’s probably the worst part for me. One nurse had to poke me three times on the third day of cycle one and then my arm was all bruised up. Ugh. But keeping the IV overnight presents a different challenge: I can’t get it wet, so showering is problematic. I ended buying some arm cast bags today on amazon so I can try and shower and keep my IV dry.

The benefit of the IV though, is that they give you the chemo drug slowly over the course of an hour so it doesn’t all immediately hit your bloodstream. If taken orally, the 45mg of Cisplatin I get every day would likely cause me to barf my guts as soon as I digest it and it enters my blood. So that’s the benefit of the intravenous infusion. I have to sit there all day but side effects are minimized.

I also get an extensive cocktail of drugs to manage the side effects: kytrol, steriods, and amend. These are given intravenously prior to the first chemo drug (usally Cisplatin). Additionally, because Cisplatin can mess up my kidney, they give me a full liter of intravenous hydration (basically saline solution) at the beginning and end of each infusion on days 1 through 5. On these days my schedule at the infusion center will typically look something like this:

Arrive at the infusion center, check in, and wait (depending on how busy it is).
Take my vitals: blood pressure, temperature, oxygen level, weight.
Get called back to the infusion center, start an IV if I don’t already have one.
One liter of intravenous hydration over the course of an hour.
Pre-meds (the three drug mix above for side effects above) for half an hour.
Cisplatin, typically 45mg dissolved in a liter of saline, for one hour.
Etoposide, weight based, somewhere around 1mg per pound of body weight, dissolved in a liter of saline, for one hour.
Bleomycin (days 2, 9, and 16 only), for 15 minutes or so. I don’t remember the dosage. I also get tylenol to help counteract fever and also Zyrtec for some side effect, not sure what that is, ha.

BOOM, that’s it folks! Today the above treatment (no Bleomycin today) took just under 5 and half hours. In addtion to the standard treatment above, I had to get blood drawn to make sure I was healthy enough to start cycle 2 and also visit the Oncologist to check in on me and make sure everything is ok. Turns out everything was fine so I started cycle 2! The blood draw people were running behind by an hour, which pushed everything else back today. My infusion ended at around 7:20pm and we got home just in time to see Elliot before his bedtime.

Even though today was a long day and ran late it was a really good day, much better than day 1 of cycle 1 where I was emotional wreck. Now I know what to expect so it was easier mentally and emotionally. I felt great and full of energy all day so I got some stuff done (still writing this blog post as of 11:50pm!), but better yet I had VISITORS! Five of my co-workers drove half an hour from the office to see me! Peter, Jon, James, and Scott stopped by for an hour and a half to chat, see what my typical day at the infusion center is like, and lift my spirits. It was a great visit. I’ve gotten nothing but love and support from my company during this time, they are really taking care of me well! I’m thankful I have a good job and work for a company that’s supportive and just wants me to get healthy.

These are some really awesome dudes that I work with. I work with some other really awesome people asd well who aren’t pictured here.

My good friend Philip also came by infusion center later to hang out, shoot the breeze, and give me crap. That’s how Philip loves on me, by teasing me. I have other friends who do this as well. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. It was also great visit with Philip and I was glad he got to come by and experience my new normal.

Anyway, I’m up to over 1700 words now on this blog post. Kudos to you if you’re still reading! I’ll post another update soon with details on my brother and sister’s trips and some fun photos with them. Until then stay tuned!

-B

The Chemo – Days 11 Through 18

On Friday of last week my sister, Ashley, arrived in San Diego, and on Sunday my mom, Carroll, flew back to Indiana. It was great to have my mom’s help and I’m thankful she was here for the first two weeks. My sister has also been a great help since she’s been here the past week or so. And today my brother flew in from Indiana for the weekend! It’s great to have him here as well – it’s his first time to San Diego since we moved here.

I’ve been feeling quite well as of late, likely because my chemo schedule hasn’t been as intense. On Tuesday I had my last infusion (Bleomycin) of cycle one. No fever this time, which is great. My sister Ashley went with me to the infusion center this time so she got to experience all the fun of sitting around while I receive my chemo drugs intravenously.

Day 16 at the infusion center was uneventful

On Sunday we took my sister for a nice walk to see some more wildflowers down in Chula Vista. The wildflower bloom was off the charts and I got some great photos on our walk!

Wildflowers Near Mother San Miguel Mountain

My sister, Ashley, Elliot, and Lisa all enjoying the view.

I’ve been feeling so well this week I even went to work on Monday and Wednesday! It was really good to get back in the office, get some things done, and see all my coworkers. I’m thankful that the past week or so I have been doing well enough to have some semblence of normal life. It gives me hope that I can potentially return to work full time earlier than expected, and work a bit more the next two cycles.

Also, final update for today: my hair is starting to fall out. Yeah, I knew this time would come but it doesn’t really make it any easier. It’s mostly still on my head and beard, but anytime I touch my hair or beard a lot of hairs end up on my hands. I’m guessing it will likely be complety gone in the next week, possibly earlier. My brother and I are visiting my barber tomorrow together and I might just have him shave it off entirely, but we will see.

We still have some dates available for meals in the upcoming weeks if anyone would like to volunteer! You can check the available dates on our meal train site here: https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/lmwm36. Thank you for the continued support!

-B

The Chemo – Days 4 Through 10

Days 4&5 were a slog. These were the final full days at the infusion center for cycle 1 (each cycle is three weeks, and I have three cycles in total). I was sick of sitting in the infusion center all day. Sick of fighting traffic on the 805 every morning. Sick of having to wake up early and force myself to to eat food I can’t taste and drink coffee that now tastes terrible. Fine cancer, just TAKE AWAY ALL THE THINGS IN LIFE I ENJOY. The chemo brain was so bad at the end of last week that I could barely read or focus (hence long gap between recent posts). Thankfully I’m doing better with that now though.

Chemo Day 5 – a typical day in the infusion center.

The weekend (days 6 and 7) was a welcome break from the constant trips to the infusion center. One of the drugs I take for nausea makes me really drowsy and that’s why it’s so hard to wake up in the morning, so it was nice to finally sleep in. I did, however, have to go to the infusion center on Saturday for a shot of Neulasta. If you’ve never heard of Neulasta, its an outrageously expensive drug that stimulates bone marrow to produce white blood cells. The chemo drugs attack and kill white blood cells, which compromises the immune system, so Neulasta is given to counteract this and hopefully increase my low white blood cell count. Neulasta has no direct generic alternative at the moment, so this one shot probably cost my insurance somewhere around $6000! Yeah, that’s totally insane. Also, Neulasta causes bone pain (makes sense) and apparently claritin helps with that somehow, so now I’m on claritin, ha. Anyways, I got the Neulasta shot, side effects have been minimal so far and I’m thankful I have good insurance that is getting me the treatment and meds I need.

The rest of the weekend was quite nice. I was prescribed steriods for days 6-8, which helped manage the fatigue and nausea side effects, so overall I was feeling pretty good. Sunday we even made it to the beach!

Elliot is finally old enough to enjoy the beach! And seriously, how cute is that hat?!!! #FutureSurferBro

Monday I also felt good, thanks to the steriods. The poppies are in full bloom here in Southern California right now. I wanted to make sure my mom saw the poppy bloom before she leaves, so we made time for a nice walk at Mission Trails park in the morning while I was feeling well.

The poppies in full bloom at Mission Trails Park

Tuesday (day 9) I was back at the infusion center in the afternoon to receive Bleomycin. This is a shorter infusion (only takes 15 minutes) so my mom and I were only at UCSD for a couple hours including all the pre-meds and waiting around. On days 2, 9, and 16 of each cycle I get Bleomycin (it’s my only infusion during weeks 2 and 3 of each cycle), and this drug has a different set of side effects than the other chemo drugs. The primary side effect the Oncologists worry about with Bleomycin is fever. And on Tuesday evening around 5pm I got hit with a fever. My temperature was in the 100-101 range. We spoke with an Oncologist at the hospital and they instructed us to head to the Emergency Room. So off to UCSD Hillcrest we went! Wow that sucked. We got there at 9pm and were there until 4am. My mom was a trooper through it all. She slept on a folding chair for most of the night. Everything turned out fine, but the doctors wanted to make sure the fever was from the Bleomycin and not from an infection since my immune system is so compromised right now (also, sitting in the ER waiting room isn’t the safest place for an immo-compromised chemo patient, ha). After 7 hours in the ER, turns out I’m fine and not sick (they drew blood and took a urine sample) and they sent me home. I’m really glad to have had my mom around for this so Lisa could stay home with Elliot and get rest. Last night wasn’t fun, but it would have been a lot worse without my mom’s help.

Fighting a fever and trying to sleep on the terribly uncomfortable ER bed.

Today I slept in until 11am recovering from the craziness of last night! My fever broke at the hospital so today I’ve been doing better. I made some homemade Caeser salad dressing (yes, from anchovies, YUM!) for my salad at lunch. And yes that dressing is whole30 compliant! And yes the croutons are also whole30 compliant (made from almond flour).

Whole30 Compliant Homemade Caesar Salad (minus the parmesan cheese)

THEN I decided to treat myself (#TREATYOSELF) and get my hair cleaned up again by my man, Rene. I decided a haircut was healther treat than cheating with fast food, and I’m proud of that decision today. I really was craving some McDonald’s or Taco Bell but I didn’t give in!

Sweet new hairdo! Will this be the last one before it all falls out?!

Then this evening, our good friend Philip came by with some of his amazing ribs for dinner. Man, those ribs are damn tasty. Yeah, I know BBQ sauce isn’t whole30 compliant, but neither is all the cheese I’m eating. Well actually, I’m not eating that much cheese, and a little bit of BBQ sauce is better than a binge at Taco Bell.

This weekend I was feeling overwhelmed by the number of days left in my treatment. Today that number is 53, and I don’t feel so overwhelmed, even though that’s still a pretty big number. I feel contentment for where I’m currently at in this process, and hopeful for the future. I continue to feel immense gratitude for the support from those around us, and that makes my heart so very full right now.

I know it’s gonna get hard again, and I’m okay with that. I’ll make it through. Baby steps, right?

-B

The Diagnosis & Surgery – Or Trying Not to Freak Out When You Find a Lump on Your Nut

TRIGGER WARNING: this post confronts anxiety and fear of death in very real and raw forms as I experienced leading up to my diagnosis. If you don’t think you can handle these intense raw emotions I recommend skipping this post.

I might just disappear
I’m so close to freaking out
There’s a hole in me
And I’m just finding out
Iron Chic, “Invisible Ink”

Wow. I’ve got cancer. Deep breath. I’ve got cancer. Another deep breath, don’t freak out. What a crazy thing for me to say. It doesn’t feel like I have cancer, but that doesn’t mean anything. A few days ago I finished my first week of chemotherapy treatment. So how the in the hell did I end up here?

Sometime in the fall I started to notice some discomfort in the back of my right testicle. It’s hard to pinpoint down exactly when, but probably in the October time frame I started to notice the discomfort. My initial reaction was that it was just lingering from some sort of injury when I got kicked in the nuts so I didn’t think much of it.

But then I found the lump. The exact day was Saturday, January 19th, 2019. It was a typical Saturday, Lisa and I had been working outside in the yard doing some landscaping. I showered in the afternoon, and found the lump in the rear of my right testicle. Immediately I knew something was wrong and proceeded to freak out in my head (queue up the song lyrics above, ha). Lisa and Elliot were in the bathroom, so I asked them to leave, and then laid down in the shower and tried not to have a panic attack. My mind was swirling to dark places and I was sure I was going to die.

This went on for about three days before I finally got the nerve to tell Lisa. Yeah, I kept it to myself that whole time and it was horrible. I’m not sure why it took me so long to tell her. Maybe because I was so afraid that speaking the words would make it more real, and then I would have to do something about it. If I didn’t tell anyone then I could just ignore that silly lump and pretend it didn’t exist and keep living my normal life. Telling Lisa meant IT WAS REAL and I had to do something about it.

The next week I finally made an appointment to see a Urologist at UCSD to get it checked out (baby steps, right?). That day was Monday, February 4th. The urologist did an exam and ordered an ultrasound. He thought it might just be a cyst and I left his office in a more positive state of mind, but oh boy was he wrong!

I had the ultrasound the next day, Tuesday, February 5th. By the end of the ultrasound I knew something was not right. The ultrasound tech was acting really funny, and after she was done she told me that “you should call your doctor – as soon as possible.” Yikes. Queue another freak out!!! I left the urgent care center and drove to get coffee at Mostra, one of my favorite coffee shops in all of San Diego. I went to get my coffee and thought about the fact that I’m here all alone and I probably have cancer and am probably gonna die and nobody knows this but me. Everyone else is just carrying on with their life while my world is crumbling. That was a tough hour for me.

I got to work, sent a few emails and then the doctor called. He told me to get to his office ASAP, and that my right testicle needed to be removed. I told my supervisor that I had to leave to deal with a life threatening personal health issue and will be in touch when I know more (sorry Peter!). I wasn’t sure when I’d return to work.

I left the office and first called Lisa and told her to meet me at home so we could all go to the doctor together. We had yet to tell any family, and I told her she could now call her family. I immediately called my mom. She was at work, and she tells me now she didn’t want to believe what I was saying was true. My mom was worried about me (what’s new, she worries a lot) because I was driving home. It was good for me to tell her because now I knew I had my family behind me in support. Even so, I was a disaster. I was very afraid of what the doctor was going to say once we got to his office.

Lisa and I finally met up at home and she drove us over to the doctor’s office. The details of that visit are a bit hazy now. I honestly can’t remember much of what the doctor said, except for the following:

The lump originated from the center of your testicle, so it’s very likely a cancerous tumor and needs to be removed.
We have you scheduled for surgery tomorrow to remove your right testicle if you are ready to consent to this treatment.

Uh yes doctor, I will take your recommendation. Get this cancerous nut out of me.

Elliot and I waiting for the doctor to come and tell me I have cancer. Photo cred: Lisa

Here comes the good part of this story. At this point our community RALLIED AROUND US!!! That night (Tuesday) we had dinner and drinks with some friends at Toronado, one of our favorite bars. We ate steak and drink beer. It was awesome, I felt very loved and supported.

Final meal before surgery had to be steak!

Surgery was scheduled for 1pm Wednesday February 6th. Lisa and I went to the hospital together while our friend Nancy watched Elliot. I was super nervous and anxious about being put under general anesthesia. I’ve only been under a couple of times, but I was still nervous about the very very very small chance that I may not wake up. This is the messed up anxiety I deal with friends. It was great to have Lisa there to help calm me and offer her loving support. She is a ROCKSTAR and has been so strong through this entire ordeal!

Feeling confident and ready for surgery after the nice anesthesiologist gave me some anti-anxiety chill out juice

The surgery went off without a hitch! They put me under and I woke up after the surgery in the post-op area drinking from a juice box. I felt so groggy and was in some SERIOUS pain still. I told the nurse I still had a lot of pain and he graciously injected some Fentynal in my IV. When I found out he had just given me Fentynal, I responded with: “Isn’t that what killed Prince?!” Haha. Then I asked for coffee, but unfortunately he didn’t have any.

I was discharged shortly thereafter where Lisa and Elliot were waiting for me outside the post-op area. That night I felt awesome on all the drugs and super high on life. I even ordered a custom license plate for my new car that night! You’ll have to wait until a future post to learn about the license plate if you don’t already know. 😉

Feeling high on life (and a lot of drugs) after a successful Orchiectomy (Testicle Removal Surgery)
O

The love continued to pour in the days after my surgery. Friends stopped by with all of my favorite things: donuts, beer, flowers, gift cards, meals, laughs, good convo, etc. If you are one of these people (you know who you are!) I THANK YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. The support our community has shown #TeamRigg during this trying time has really helped Lisa, Elliot, and I make it through the ups and downs. Knowing that all y’all have my back helps me through the tough times. Thanks for being here for us and with us. We really love you all and couldn’t do this without you!

Peace.

-B

The Chemo – Days 2 & 3

Day 2 was largely uneventful, which is good! Lisa and my mom are switching off days at the hospital so Tuesday was my mom’s (Carroll) day to come with me to my chemo appointment.

There were two small annoyances I had to deal with though. First, I had to get a new IV. This is annoying because I intentionally saved the IV from Monday. It was irritating to sleep with that night and then I couldn’t get it wet the next morning and had to take a bath instead of a shower. When the nurse attempted to inject some saline Tuesday morning it hurt pretty badly. Thus, they started a new IV in my left arm (previous IV was on the right). I’m getting IVs everyday because the ports are even more annoying to deal with. And really, I only have 21 days of infusion so I shouldn’t be completely full of track marks like a junkie at the end of these 9 weeks.

Hammering Down Cancer and getting some stuff done on chemo day 2!!!

The second minor annoyance is that we stayed longer than needed because the nurse had too many patients. There are 60 chairs for chemo patients at the UCSD Moores Cancer Center and they were completely full yesterday. Basically, I’d finish one IV bag and the nurse was too busy to swap out the old bag for a new bag and we didn’t leave until around 4:30. Once we got home I finally got to take a nice 40 minute nap in my new recliner though, it was great!

Today, Wednesday, is chemo day 3 and it was Lisa’s turn to accompany me to my appointment. Man oh man did the fatigue hit me hard today. I was super groggy getting out of bed and the tiredness didn’t really let up until the afternoon. I even took an hour and a half nap in the morning at the infusion center!

Passed out HARD at the infusion center this morning.

I had another nice foot massage in the afternoon, ate some lunch, and then felt like I finally had some energy right as my appointment was done for the day. We finished infusion around 2:30, so we finally had time to get to AAA to and pickup my Disabled Persons Parking Placard! This will allow us to park for free at the Moores Cancer Center valet! And yes, our hospital has a valet, only in California!

We made it home around 4pm and I crashed hard again for about an hour in yep, you guess it – my fancy recliner. Then the me and the fam walked to check out the new Target in North Park! Lisa is SUPER EXCITED to be able to walk to Target from our house! It’s smaller than a full blown Target, but has just enough essentials when you’re in a pinch. I’m sure we will be taking many more trips to this Target in the future!

Finally, our friend Nancy stopped by to drop off another delicious whole 30 meal and visit for a bit. It’s been really encouraging to have so many people rally around our family during this challenging time and we greatly appreciate everything that you all have done for us. I can’t thank you enough. My heart is full from the overwhelming generosity of our community, both near and far. YOU ARE THE BEST!!!

Anyways, I feel like I’m rambling more in this post than the past few, so I’ll wrap things up. I hope to post soon about my diagnosis and also the chemo regimen I’m on so keep an eye out for those posts soon. Oh, and make sure to click on the follow button to get email updates when I post!

-B

The Chemo – Day 1

I’m hanging on by a thread
And all I’m clinging to is prayers
And every breath is like a battle
I feel like I ain’t come prepared
And death’s knockin’ on the front door
Pain’s creepin’ through the back
Fear’s crawlin’ through the windows
Waiting for em’ to attack
They say “Don’t get bitter, get better”
I’m working on switching them letters
But tell God I’mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together
Lecrae “I’ll Find You“

That was me yesterday morning. FEAR. ANXIETY. I DID NOT FEEL PREPARED.

Despite the upbeat tone of yesterday’s post, I didn’t get to do all the things I wanted to do before starting chemo, and yesterday morning I just felt like I couldn’t go through with it. I cried in the shower while getting ready for the day. I was stalling before we left because I didn’t want to go. But finally, Lisa and I left the house (late of course), and I got to drive and listen to music with her on the way. Lisa took my hand when the Lecrae song above came on and it was nice moment that helped me feel a bit better.

After fighting traffic on the 805 freeway we arrived at Moores Cancer Center at UCSD:

Wearing my Anthony Rizzo #44 jersey for inspiration since he’s a cancer survivor
Also note the “try not to suck” socks!

Lisa parked while I checked in. A fun perk of having cancer at UCSD is free parking! Literally all other patients have to pay to park here; we even had to pay to park when Elliot was born at this hospital. After check-in I made my way to the “Infusion Center Waiting Room.” This was the most fucking depressing place I’ve ever been to. All these people with cancer in various stages of health and in various stages of their treatments, just sitting there waiting to get the next chemo treatment. Major downer. I tried to keep it together while I waited for Lisa to show up. Thankfully she showed up quickly to comfort me and the nurse called my name soon after. They checked my vitals and I was admitted to the infusion center.

The infusion center was better than the waiting room. I was offered either a private room with a bed or a “cubicle” in a large open bay with a recliner and curtains separating you from the other patients. I chose the recliner so I could sit rather than lay down to try to get some of the endless disability paperwork done so I can get paid during my treatment. PITA.

Nurse Katie was great. She explained what was going to happen and asked if I had questions. “Yes,” I said as I began to cry, “how bad is it going to be today?” AND THEN I LOST IT. Ugh. Katie then walked over, got down on my level and reassured me: “you’re gonna be alright. Every person is different, but this is the first day. Side effects shouldn’t be too bad today. You can do this.” I tell Nurse Katie I need to pee one last time and head to the bathroom to cry some more. Blah. That’s when I remembered the wise words of the famous psychiatrist Dr. Leo Marvin, during an interaction with his client Bob:

Bob: Baby steps?
Marvin: It means setting small, reasonable goals for yourself. One day at a time, one tiny step at a time—do-able, accomplish-able goals.
Bob: Baby steps.
Marvin: When you leave this office, don’t think about everything you have to do to get out of the building, just deal with getting out of the room. When you reach the hall, just deal with the hall. And so forth. Baby steps.
Laura Ziskin (Producer), & Frank Oz. (Director). (1991). What About Bob? [Motion Picture]. USA: Touchstone Home Entertainment.

Baby steps. I can do this. Go back and get the IV. Then it’s just intravenous hydration for a couple hours. I can do this. Then it’s anti-nausea meds for another half hour. I can do this. Then when the cancer drugs start I will figure it out. Baby steps. I can do this.

The infusion center chair is not as comfortable as my new ugly ass amazing recliner at home

Mid morning during my hydration infusion the oncology pharmacist stopped by to offer more information on the cancer drugs. She explained that the dosage of cancer drugs I will be receiving is fairly low each day. In total over 5 days (Monday to Friday of this week) I will receive a single full dose of cisplatin and etoposide (more to come on the chemo drugs & regimen in a future post). For other types of cancer that use these drugs, typically patients will receive a full dose in a single day. The news that I will be receiving a full dose over 5 days put me at ease a bit more as this means my side effects might not be as intense in a single day, but are more spread out.

Right after I started the first chemo drug infusion (cisplatin) our friend Amy, who works in the adjacent USCD hospital, stopped by during her lunch break. Her company was a good distraction during the beginning of the chemo infusion. After she left, I got a free 20 minute foot massage! This was a tremendous help, and my anxiety levels went WAY down during the massage. I even fell asleep for a bit! Free foot massages are offered to cancer patients thanks to a gift from an anonymous donor who paid to have a certified oncology masseuse at UCSD. It was such a great gift to me and to all the other cancer patients at UCSD as well. I’m very thankful for this anonymous donor’s generosity.

The rest of the day at the cancer center was uneventful. Lisa and I just hung out while my infusions came to an end for the day. Then we had a ~~fun~~ terrible hour drive home in traffic, during which the first chemo symptom started to set in: NAUSEA. Not sure if it was the chemo drugs or the fact that I was on my phone the entire drive home in stop and go traffic on the 5 freeway, but by the time we got home my stomach was a bit queasy. It wasn’t bad enough that I felt like I was going to throw up, but was more like being mildly seasick. Very manageable, and I was able to enjoy the incredible beef curry our friend Molly made for us for dinner! So tasty.

On that note, if you are at all interested in helping TeamRigg in some way, providing meals would be the best way to do so right now. This will be especially helpful down the road when we don’t have family here in town to help! We have a meal train setup and you can learn more at this link: https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/lmwm36. If cooking isn’t your thing then donations for food money or Grub Hub type gift cards are also a good option. But seriously, there’s no obligation to help if you aren’t in a place to do that right now. We appreciate your love and support in whatever way works for you.

The rest of the night was pretty chill. Lisa, my mom (Carroll), and I just hung out after dinner and got some stuff done. I was feeling pretty good and had some energy so I checked some work emails and started writing this blog post. I didn’t get to relax much in my fancy new chair yesterday, but I’m sure I’ll need to do that soon. Right now I’m just taking it one day at a time.

Baby steps. I can do this.

-B

The Pre-Chemo Prep

I had just over a week to prepare for chemo after I received my diagnosis and made a decision on the treatment plan. What I’ve now realized is that preparing for chemo isn’t all that different from planning a vacation, except instead of a getting to fly to a nice beach in a faraway spot you just get to drive to the infusion center! Ugh. So I bought some new sweats and comfortable lounge clothes to channel my inner Dude (the Big Lebowski) for 9 weeks of chillaxing. I also took this excuse to buy a new Cubs spring training hat since my hair is going to fall out.

Far and away the pre-cancer purchase I’m most excited about though is this AMAZING RECLINER! As you can see, the new recliner really ties the living room together:

Lisa’s and Sophie’s and Elliot’s favorite new chair.

This is how I know Lisa loves me deeply. She let me buy this ugly ass but insanely comfortable recliner for my 9 weeks of chemo. It’s now sitting in the middle of our living room and has totally messed up Lisa’s beautiful and meticulously planned space. But seriously, this thing is powered and has built in USB charging ports! It will be great when I’m really feeling crappy.

Another thing I wanted to do before chemo started was to get one last haircut and shave from my barber, Rene. I’ve been going to Rene since I moved to San Diego and he’s the best. The thought of losing my hair has been pretty scary for me and makes me sad to think about. I really love my red hair and it’s such a big piece of my identity as a person that it’s going to be a challenge for me to give that up during chemo. So anyways I went to see Rene one last time and he hooked me up with this bad ass haircut:

Super fresh new cancer haircut (at least until my hair falls out)

As you can see I went all out, and Rene added the cool lightning bolt for some extra pizzazz! You can follow Rene @kleanshaven on Instagram or book an appointment with him on the Freshly Faded website.

Finally, I had to get some good eats before chemo started. The chemo drugs mess up your taste buds and I’m now on the whole 30 diet so I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat a lot of my favorite foods for 9 weeks. It’s been a whirlwind of crazy good food the past couple weeks including:

IN-N-OUT BURGER
Ramen
Fried chicken at Fernside in South Park (thank you Travis!!!)
Indian Food from Himilayan Curry & Grill
Lisa’s amazing white chicken chili
Lisa’s amazing baked ziti
Hawaiian food from Chris’ Ono Grinds
Regent’s Pizza
Homemade biscuits & gravy
Curry & Noodles from Bahn Thai
Burgers & Pizza at THE FRIENDLY
Best steak of my life at Born and Raised with Lisa, my sister Ash, and bro-in-law Chad

Processed with MOLDIV — All the tasty things I love that I’m no longer allowed to eat or drink

Yeah that was some darn good eating and drinking. Last night I attempted to eat two entire boxes of girl scout cookies and failed miserably! Sadly I only made it through a half box of samoas. But now I’m going whole 30 and eating clean and not drinking so I can help my body HAMMER DOWN CANCER these next 9 weeks. We’ve even enlisted the help of a Nutrition Therapy Practitioner that specializes in helping cancer patients. Her name is Karianne and she is super great. She’s a cancer survivor and has been through chemo and knows how to help her clients both beat cancer and minimize the negative side effects of chemo including nausea. If you’d like some excellent Nutritional Therapy (even if you don’t have cancer, she can still help!) check out Karianne at her website: https://inspirawellnesscollective.com/.

Enjoyment of food has been a pretty big part of my life so it will be interesting to see how I do during chemo without some of the foods I really enjoy. Not that I won’t enjoy food at all, but priority #1 right now with food is to eat as healthy as possible to help my body as best I can the next 9 weeks. Up until this point my food choices were made primarily on what tastes good, whereas now I’m choosing foods that will work with my stomach and help me beat cancer. This is a good transition. Healthy eating has eluded me most of my life so maybe I can form some good habits now that will stick after my treatment is done.

Anyways, that’s it for now. It’s been a crazy week and a half prepping for chemo. Tomorrow I’m going try to post about chemo day 1 (which just finished!!!) so stay tuned!

– B