The Chemo – Day 1

I’m hanging on by a thread
And all I’m clinging to is prayers
And every breath is like a battle
I feel like I ain’t come prepared
And death’s knockin’ on the front door
Pain’s creepin’ through the back
Fear’s crawlin’ through the windows
Waiting for em’ to attack
They say “Don’t get bitter, get better”
I’m working on switching them letters
But tell God I’mma need a whole lotta hope keeping it together

Lecrae “I’ll Find You“

That was me yesterday morning. FEAR. ANXIETY. I DID NOT FEEL PREPARED.

Despite the upbeat tone of yesterday’s post, I didn’t get to do all the things I wanted to do before starting chemo, and yesterday morning I just felt like I couldn’t go through with it. I cried in the shower while getting ready for the day. I was stalling before we left because I didn’t want to go. But finally, Lisa and I left the house (late of course), and I got to drive and listen to music with her on the way. Lisa took my hand when the Lecrae song above came on and it was nice moment that helped me feel a bit better.

After fighting traffic on the 805 freeway we arrived at Moores Cancer Center at UCSD:

Lisa parked while I checked in. A fun perk of having cancer at UCSD is free parking! Literally all other patients have to pay to park here; we even had to pay to park when Elliot was born at this hospital. After check-in I made my way to the “Infusion Center Waiting Room.” This was the most fucking depressing place I’ve ever been to. All these people with cancer in various stages of health and in various stages of their treatments, just sitting there waiting to get the next chemo treatment. Major downer. I tried to keep it together while I waited for Lisa to show up. Thankfully she showed up quickly to comfort me and the nurse called my name soon after. They checked my vitals and I was admitted to the infusion center.

The infusion center was better than the waiting room. I was offered either a private room with a bed or a “cubicle” in a large open bay with a recliner and curtains separating you from the other patients. I chose the recliner so I could sit rather than lay down to try to get some of the endless disability paperwork done so I can get paid during my treatment. PITA.

Nurse Katie was great. She explained what was going to happen and asked if I had questions. “Yes,” I said as I began to cry, “how bad is it going to be today?” AND THEN I LOST IT. Ugh. Katie then walked over, got down on my level and reassured me: “you’re gonna be alright. Every person is different, but this is the first day. Side effects shouldn’t be too bad today. You can do this.” I tell Nurse Katie I need to pee one last time and head to the bathroom to cry some more. Blah. That’s when I remembered the wise words of the famous psychiatrist Dr. Leo Marvin, during an interaction with his client Bob:

Bob: Baby steps?

Marvin: It means setting small, reasonable goals for yourself. One day at a time, one tiny step at a time—do-able, accomplish-able goals.

Bob: Baby steps.

Marvin: When you leave this office, don’t think about everything you have to do to get out of the building, just deal with getting out of the room. When you reach the hall, just deal with the hall. And so forth. Baby steps.

Laura Ziskin (Producer), & Frank Oz. (Director). (1991). What About Bob? [Motion Picture]. USA: Touchstone Home Entertainment.

Baby steps. I can do this. Go back and get the IV. Then it’s just intravenous hydration for a couple hours. I can do this. Then it’s anti-nausea meds for another half hour. I can do this. Then when the cancer drugs start I will figure it out. Baby steps. I can do this.

Mid morning during my hydration infusion the oncology pharmacist stopped by to offer more information on the cancer drugs. She explained that the dosage of cancer drugs I will be receiving is fairly low each day. In total over 5 days (Monday to Friday of this week) I will receive a single full dose of cisplatin and etoposide (more to come on the chemo drugs & regimen in a future post). For other types of cancer that use these drugs, typically patients will receive a full dose in a single day. The news that I will be receiving a full dose over 5 days put me at ease a bit more as this means my side effects might not be as intense in a single day, but are more spread out.

Right after I started the first chemo drug infusion (cisplatin) our friend Amy, who works in the adjacent USCD hospital, stopped by during her lunch break. Her company was a good distraction during the beginning of the chemo infusion. After she left, I got a free 20 minute foot massage! This was a tremendous help, and my anxiety levels went WAY down during the massage. I even fell asleep for a bit! Free foot massages are offered to cancer patients thanks to a gift from an anonymous donor who paid to have a certified oncology masseuse at UCSD. It was such a great gift to me and to all the other cancer patients at UCSD as well. I’m very thankful for this anonymous donor’s generosity.

The rest of the day at the cancer center was uneventful. Lisa and I just hung out while my infusions came to an end for the day. Then we had a fun terrible hour drive home in traffic, during which the first chemo symptom started to set in: NAUSEA. Not sure if it was the chemo drugs or the fact that I was on my phone the entire drive home in stop and go traffic on the 5 freeway, but by the time we got home my stomach was a bit queasy. It wasn’t bad enough that I felt like I was going to throw up, but was more like being mildly seasick. Very manageable, and I was able to enjoy the incredible beef curry our friend Molly made for us for dinner! So tasty.

On that note, if you are at all interested in helping TeamRigg in some way, providing meals would be the best way to do so right now. This will be especially helpful down the road when we don’t have family here in town to help! We have a meal train setup and you can learn more at this link: https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/lmwm36. If cooking isn’t your thing then donations for food money or Grub Hub type gift cards are also a good option. But seriously, there’s no obligation to help if you aren’t in a place to do that right now. We appreciate your love and support in whatever way works for you.

The rest of the night was pretty chill. Lisa, my mom (Carroll), and I just hung out after dinner and got some stuff done. I was feeling pretty good and had some energy so I checked some work emails and started writing this blog post. I didn’t get to relax much in my fancy new chair yesterday, but I’m sure I’ll need to do that soon. Right now I’m just taking it one day at a time.

Baby steps. I can do this.

-B