The Diagnosis & Surgery – Or Trying Not to Freak Out When You Find a Lump on Your Nut

TRIGGER WARNING: this post confronts anxiety and fear of death in very real and raw forms as I experienced leading up to my diagnosis. If you don’t think you can handle these intense raw emotions I recommend skipping this post.

I might just disappear
I’m so close to freaking out
There’s a hole in me
And I’m just finding out

Iron Chic, “Invisible Ink”

Wow. I’ve got cancer. Deep breath. I’ve got cancer. Another deep breath, don’t freak out. What a crazy thing for me to say. It doesn’t feel like I have cancer, but that doesn’t mean anything. A few days ago I finished my first week of chemotherapy treatment. So how the in the hell did I end up here?

Sometime in the fall I started to notice some discomfort in the back of my right testicle. It’s hard to pinpoint down exactly when, but probably in the October time frame I started to notice the discomfort. My initial reaction was that it was just lingering from some sort of injury when I got kicked in the nuts so I didn’t think much of it.

But then I found the lump. The exact day was Saturday, January 19th, 2019. It was a typical Saturday, Lisa and I had been working outside in the yard doing some landscaping. I showered in the afternoon, and found the lump in the rear of my right testicle. Immediately I knew something was wrong and proceeded to freak out in my head (queue up the song lyrics above, ha). Lisa and Elliot were in the bathroom, so I asked them to leave, and then laid down in the shower and tried not to have a panic attack. My mind was swirling to dark places and I was sure I was going to die.

This went on for about three days before I finally got the nerve to tell Lisa. Yeah, I kept it to myself that whole time and it was horrible. I’m not sure why it took me so long to tell her. Maybe because I was so afraid that speaking the words would make it more real, and then I would have to do something about it. If I didn’t tell anyone then I could just ignore that silly lump and pretend it didn’t exist and keep living my normal life. Telling Lisa meant IT WAS REAL and I had to do something about it.

The next week I finally made an appointment to see a Urologist at UCSD to get it checked out (baby steps, right?). That day was Monday, February 4th. The urologist did an exam and ordered an ultrasound. He thought it might just be a cyst and I left his office in a more positive state of mind, but oh boy was he wrong!

I had the ultrasound the next day, Tuesday, February 5th. By the end of the ultrasound I knew something was not right. The ultrasound tech was acting really funny, and after she was done she told me that “you should call your doctor – as soon as possible.” Yikes. Queue another freak out!!! I left the urgent care center and drove to get coffee at Mostra, one of my favorite coffee shops in all of San Diego. I went to get my coffee and thought about the fact that I’m here all alone and I probably have cancer and am probably gonna die and nobody knows this but me. Everyone else is just carrying on with their life while my world is crumbling. That was a tough hour for me.

I got to work, sent a few emails and then the doctor called. He told me to get to his office ASAP, and that my right testicle needed to be removed. I told my supervisor that I had to leave to deal with a life threatening personal health issue and will be in touch when I know more (sorry Peter!). I wasn’t sure when I’d return to work.

I left the office and first called Lisa and told her to meet me at home so we could all go to the doctor together. We had yet to tell any family, and I told her she could now call her family. I immediately called my mom. She was at work, and she tells me now she didn’t want to believe what I was saying was true. My mom was worried about me (what’s new, she worries a lot) because I was driving home. It was good for me to tell her because now I knew I had my family behind me in support. Even so, I was a disaster. I was very afraid of what the doctor was going to say once we got to his office.

Lisa and I finally met up at home and she drove us over to the doctor’s office. The details of that visit are a bit hazy now. I honestly can’t remember much of what the doctor said, except for the following:

1. The lump originated from the center of your testicle, so it’s very likely a cancerous tumor and needs to be removed.
2. We have you scheduled for surgery tomorrow to remove your right testicle if you are ready to consent to this treatment.

Uh yes doctor, I will take your recommendation. Get this cancerous nut out of me.

Here comes the good part of this story. At this point our community RALLIED AROUND US!!! That night (Tuesday) we had dinner and drinks with some friends at Toronado, one of our favorite bars. We ate steak and drink beer. It was awesome, I felt very loved and supported.

Surgery was scheduled for 1pm Wednesday February 6th. Lisa and I went to the hospital together while our friend Nancy watched Elliot. I was super nervous and anxious about being put under general anesthesia. I’ve only been under a couple of times, but I was still nervous about the very very very small chance that I may not wake up. This is the messed up anxiety I deal with friends. It was great to have Lisa there to help calm me and offer her loving support. She is a ROCKSTAR and has been so strong through this entire ordeal!

The surgery went off without a hitch! They put me under and I woke up after the surgery in the post-op area drinking from a juice box. I felt so groggy and was in some SERIOUS pain still. I told the nurse I still had a lot of pain and he graciously injected some Fentynal in my IV. When I found out he had just given me Fentynal, I responded with: “Isn’t that what killed Prince?!” Haha. Then I asked for coffee, but unfortunately he didn’t have any.

I was discharged shortly thereafter where Lisa and Elliot were waiting for me outside the post-op area. That night I felt awesome on all the drugs and super high on life. I even ordered a custom license plate for my new car that night! You’ll have to wait until a future post to learn about the license plate if you don’t already know. 😉

The love continued to pour in the days after my surgery. Friends stopped by with all of my favorite things: donuts, beer, flowers, gift cards, meals, laughs, good convo, etc. If you are one of these people (you know who you are!) I THANK YOU WITH ALL MY HEART. The support our community has shown #TeamRigg during this trying time has really helped Lisa, Elliot, and I make it through the ups and downs. Knowing that all y’all have my back helps me through the tough times. Thanks for being here for us and with us. We really love you all and couldn’t do this without you!

Peace.

-B